I miss you a little, I guess you could say: a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day.

It's difficult missing someone. Whether you're apart for one day or one year, by death or distance - it's difficult. You just want them back but you sort of know you can't. All you can really do is focus on the good memories that make you smile because that's what keeps the happiness alive, I think that's the most important thing to do when you're missing someone, or something.

There are two people I miss the most: My mom and my best friend Gemma. On October 20th 2010 Gemma boarded a plane to Australia with only a one way ticket. I remember my mom telling me she'd found me a pen pal to correspond with so that I could finally get my own letters in the mail like everyone else in the house but when she said it was Gemma I suddenly never wanted a pen pal ever because Gemma can't leave, no she mustn't. She returned for Christmas last year on a two month holiday, fitting in my birthday and new years as well. For the first time (in foreveeeerrrr) in five years we got to hug again. It felt so surreal seeing her in 3D, holding her and being so physically close to her again. Though the long, long separation strengthened our friendship, it felt so much better to have her close to me again.

But since she returned back "home" it seemed like a tease. The world showing us what it was like to be #Gemekah then taking it away again, reducing it back to difficult time zone differences, the pain of the many miles between us and internet restricted communications. Nevertheless I am so grateful for our little infinity (how John Green of me) I really am. I'm eager for the day the money finds itself in the hands of a flight institution, bringing us back together again in one country or another. It's comforting to know that we can jump on a plane at any given moment and spend as much time as we like under the others roof, it brings a peace of mind that it doesn't have to be like this forever. The pain is just love stretched out like an elastic band, though I'm scared it might snap I know that there's enough love there to strengthen the connection.

It's different when you miss someone who has passed away though. Much different. Because you know you can't text them or call them, knowing they'll reply when they wake up. You can't get on a plane because they're not anywhere. Only a fluffy could if that's what heaven is - if that place exists. And even then, no shuttle will take you there. There's no elastic band of love because they're not there to hold the other end. It gets all a bit one sided really.

When Gemma told me she'd land in England a couple days before my 17th birthday I felt so relaxed. My best friend, my rock, will be here for me on my mom's first anniversary. I got to hug my best friend on my 17th birthday, the day I didn't want to come around because it was also my mom's first anniversary. That was the biggest comfort. I began missing my mom when she first went into hospital overnight, a speck of my brain knowing she probably wouldn't come back home. And when I knew she was holding on for longer than those "two days" until my birthday, I got scared. Scared people would remember the 25th of November as "Lisa's Day" and not mine. It happened. But I'm so glad she was there.

And so my heart aches everyday for my mother and my sister. Taken from me in two different ways. But aside from my losses, I'm thankful to have loved and lost than never loved at all. And I still love them both with all I've got, with every moment. My two most favourite ladies.

I remember my mom saying to me, "You're going to go from having one mom to loads of moms" and - there's no surprises here - she was right. Last year, on my first mothers day without a mother I found it very daunting and isolating but this year I'm procrastinating life itself. (it's a Sunday okay) But what my mom said to me two years ago has really stuck with me. I had a sense of many mothers before but now they are much more prominent. None of my moms, or any woman for that matter will beat my mommy (I'm sorry but she really is quite flawless js).

I'm not sure why I chose those pictures for todays blog post. They're from the last family holiday we had in 2013, a holiday which had many smiles and laughs (and accidental breakages of not-our-things). I hold the memories so close to my heart.

Today I'd like to say happy Mother's day to my Nannie, my moms mom and my Grandma, my dads mom. I'm sorry I don't really talk to you much but we both know I love you a lottle (it's like a little except a lot). And to Jacqui and Clare, my god mothers, both well chosen by the queen bee herself. She liked you both very much and I really can see why, I love you both. And to Lynda, I remember you whispering in my ear the day before you headed back to you new home in Australia, "I love you like a daughter", which meant a lot as your real daughter is like a sister to me and I couldn't say "I love you like a mother" because my oh my there was a boulder in my throat and tears in my eyes. And to Annie Bates. My brothers "gudmovver", who has adopted me as her babiest daughter. You make me laugh and by heck your pigs in blankets are GOOD!

And I thank all of my newfound mothers for helping me with the loss of my favourite mother, and I hope I comforted you in return in some way or another. I owe you all so much.

I've never wanted to buy flowers so much in my life, I never thought I'd want to buy flowers for anybody. My mom did like flowers, which I still don't understand, you have to feed them and arrange them and even then they'll shortly die but at least they bring beauty for a few days. And maybe that's all part of life for humans. You mom feeds you and makes you look pretty, sets you up for your purpose only for you to wither away at the end of it all. I guess sometimes it's not so fairytale. I love and miss you so much mom, I hope I'm doing you proud - I do try most days.

If there's one thing that every teenager has in common, it's stress. Stress from having to please fifty different people all at once, with only 24 hours in one day. People like your parents, teachers, friends, cousins, idols and most importantly yourself. In the end whatever you do pleases you because you're glad you're finished with one task, even though there's another one waiting around the corner. When you're a teen, you're old enough to be doing things for yourself without supervision but also still young enough to be told what to do and when to do it and get told off when it's not done. (And I swear to God deadlines will be the death of me)

We have to do homework if we want to get out of school when it ends and not have to stay behind in a dreaded detention doing it then. We have to do it if we want to do well in school to bring pride to ourselves, our families and our teachers, or even just to graduate successfully as a big "hahaa fuck you I'm knowledgeable" to some arrogant cock who denied you that wisdom. We have to do chores to make our homes a nice place for us to want to hang around in doing said homework or even just living in. And we do it for our parents most of all because they finance the thing and are caught up in their own work to wash the dishes they fed you with or hoover the floor or tidy away some... shit. We have to socialise to connect with people which is beneficial to our health because it's enjoyable (if you're with the right kind of people of course and you like them). We have to live in our hobbies as well, if that's using the internet, making things or reading/watching something. Whatever it may be, we have to work hard and play hard and eat and sleep inbetween otherwise we couldn't function happily.

When we get the work done then we feel proud for doing it and others will be pleased of you for doing it too, even if they may not necessarily have asked you. And once we've worked hard we can relax and indulge in the "play". In the end we do things to benefit ourselves, it's a bit selfish really but whatever we accomplish, we feel better about ourselves for it. That's all we really need to do, keep ourselves happy and content by organising our lives into 24 hours a day so we don't go insane! And when you are happy, you can pass it on to those around you. So don't slack off because you can "do it later" because if you do it now, it's done and you can move on without it niggling at the back of your mind. Don't forget to take breaks either - research says work for 50-60 minutes at a time with 10 minute breaks.

Think, is it really worth never doing? If I do it now, I can forget about it and get on with something more fun. Never sacrifice sleep for any work, no matter who asked you to do it or when it has to be finished by, sleep and you have the energy to finish it at some point the next day. An even split of work and play is best - guilt free.

What I'm saying is, figure out some sort of routine and when motivation is absent, force yourself to stick to it so you can be over with the burdens of chores and work and get on with being a human, having fun and feeling free. You'll feel much better when you have the afternoon/evening to yourself to do anything or nothing.

I adore photos, both still image and moving image. Last year my dad gave me a DSLR camera for my birthday (and a tripod for Christmas) and I was so thankful. I hope to make something out of this new found hobby and I know that I'll have to practice taking and editing my photos but I'm more than okay with that because I bloody love it. Today he said we could take it outside, because he was with me he knew that both me and the camera would be safe from a mugging, even though if I saw anyone try to take my camera off me I'd punch them square in the face, not going to lie. Nevertheless I was excited to take some photos outside of the house on such a beautiful day - there's only so much to see out the window, and my camera had seen it all. These were some of the best ones I took this afternoon. I love natural photos, no poses or organisation, just a casual snap.

These two ducks were just floating around nearby.

This guy came out on his boat and did a few laps around the lake.

I'm not sure what these birds are but they were both diving around for fish, unfortunately I didn't catch them in the act but the photos I did get are still beautiful.

The boats scared the seagulls sat on the surface of the lake, I just thought it looked cool when they scattered out into the air.

These are my favourite kind of days.

There were a lot of fishers out as well, hope they caught something because most of them looked really bored waiting.

There were so many ducks around, I loved the way they left a trail of water behind them as they paddled.

These two swans circled round for a bit, so chilled.

I love the reflection of the sun on the water.

I thought these shots of benches looking out at the lake looked interesting.

 And that was what I got up to today! I enjoyed strolling around looking for photo opportunities and crouching down to the ducks, the weather made it exceptionally enjoyable. and thanks to dad for holding my camera bag and helping me swap lenses by the water. Even pointing out some things with his "photography o-level" knowledge.