I am honestly laughing so hard at this picture, what an eloquent quote. I know my mom would also be laughing, she loves this grumpy cat. I'm still laughing, hold on, give me a moment and we'll get down to the point -the point oh my god it's too funny!

Okay.... still laughing, I hope you are too, look at that, piss funny, comedy gold right there.

I had my first exam today. It went okay, definitely could have been better but it wasn't a disaster so it's okay. One down one to go. This week while I've been revising hard to go over everything and get my thoughts straight and feel confident about sitting down and writing about the subject that I strongly believe needs to have more banter like seriously English teachers are so uptight calm down, I've been wanting to turn to my mom.

I wanted to tell her I was struggling and needed help to suggest some ideas or give the definition of a word. I wanted her to encourage me and motivate me to actually get on with it or to keep on going for a little bit more. I wanted her to reassure me that I'll do fine and when results day rolls around she would be proud of me.

I took my maths foundation GCSE exam in year 9 when my mom was healthy. I walked in with my brother who went to get all of his GCSE results and we both came out holding our envelopes and walked over to a bench she was siting on. We both did well of course (we're fabulous) and her smile was so big and her hugs were so tight and I couldn't wait until two years when I'd get that again with all of my GCSE subjects.

Shit went down just before my mock exams, I didn't revise and did bad because I'd forgotten things and I was even asked to take the foundation papers in science because of my bad results but I told them I can bring it back again in time for the real thing. I did. But I didn't get my smile or my hug. Dad was very quiet, maybe he was wishing the same as me and just trying to keep cool. And now I'm doing it all again, and will do it next year too.

Firstly this is bullshit now, education takes the almighty piss, I'm bored of this routine now. More importantly, I can't rely on my imagination to comfort me and tell me what she would say. How many times she would tell me she's proud of me, how many times she'd look at me, smile and then pull me in for a hug. But I do have an abundance of friends and family for support who reassure me that yes, my mom would be so proud of me. I guess I just need her for that bit inbetween learning the crap and getting a grade for how much crap I know for her to tell me to keep on wading through the crap because summer is clean and happy.

That's a fucking weird metaphor - sorry for all the swears.