The point of these "recovery" posts is to help me recover from my innermost troubles. I have had dark times in the past. Very dark. But I promised my best friend I would try my very best to get out of it. And so far I've kept my word. 

It has been so so hard. Especially because since then I've lost my mother in the worst way I could ever dread to happen. And school has become the biggest bane of my life with stress I'd rather just walk away from. These two things are probably my biggest contributors to a breakdown. 

I've cried and spoken to my brother about my thoughts on a very long and most testy walk. And tweeted my thoughts when they kept me from sleep even though they were deleted by morning. I'm getting better at not bottling it up but I still fear that I will fall backwards and hurt myself. 

I'd like you to read the quote again. And again. Absorb it's words over and over because at first you think they're lies but trust me, it's true. You can defeat your troubles as many times as they visit you. And you can conquer them. Cliche but it's okay not to be okay.

I have been embracing my sadness. Feeling it with every inch of my body. Not putting on make up, not putting in my contact lenses, not dressing myself in nice normal outfits (hoodies and sweatpants yes please). I let myself have these few days to myself doing nothing at all and accepting this sadness and frustration so I can be more focused to resume all this work bollocks I really don't want to do. 

I am so done with education I'm questioning every aspect of it but I'm just going to plow through this last year and then march on with things I actually care about. I'll learn to drive. I'll earn an income for myself. I'll socialise with my new favourite people that taught me what true friendship is. 

I'm scared for the future. And I'm fed up with the present. It's all a bit of a mess really and I have no fucking idea what my existence even is anymore. My mind is chaotic with questions and arguments and just everything! But. I will recover. Because I have before. I may not have the reason to do it for my mom anymore. But I still have my Gemma. I'll always have her. My sister. My rock. My second in command to my mom, I can tell her anything and she can see any side of me and both of us are fine with it. I do it for both of them and in turn, everyone else so I can share my gratitude for them keeping me sane and looking after me even when they hardly even know it. 

"Don't lose your fight kid" 

Cheerio, Beky xx