I have written down 5 new years resolutions for myself (in my lovely Sprinkle Of Glitter diary no less) : to get fitter, learn to drive and pass my tests (if I get a car by the time 2017 comes around then bonus!) establish my sense of style both in my bedroom and wardrobe, land myself a job in the photography industry, and feel the fear and do it anyway. Those are my main 5 I want to achieve next year.
However New Years is very hard for me, I have the memory of myself two years ago burnt into my brain. At a small pub in a village somewhere, we went to tag along for a new year holiday with family friends. We only stayed for the night of new year and slept on the sofas in the rented house but I very vividly recall leaving the pub a few minutes before midnight and looking up at the stars as cheers faintly echoed around. And I cried. And then somebody hugged me I'm not sure who first I think everybody did, but I wept into my dads chest with the sentence rotating around my head "she'll never see this year." and then "we have to leave her in that year" and again my heart breaks. I went to bed early the next new year, and unless I can figure out a way to get to and from my friends house, I'll go to bed early this year too, avoiding the same heart breaking reminders that my mom isn't here.
I thought this morning how I haven't let myself stop to grieve properly, I don't let myself slow down and really deeply think about memories I share with her. I haven't had a moment or a chance to make a moment to stop and think about the loss I've had and how I feel. I suppose counselling is that moment but I hate saying it out loud because it confirms that it happened, and I long for it not to be real.
This is the part where I breathe and think back to the Anne Frank quote I used in a post a while back... focusing on the beauty that still remains. My world of opportunity to make her proud and lifetime of memories that keep her with me inside. I guess it's okay to keep yourself busy as a distraction from the sadness as I do, and it's okay to avoid situations that may trigger the sadness, because in the moment you decide to avoid it, you think about why it needs avoiding and your problems aren't forgotten - it's just how you quietly deal with it.
And now for me to leave you with some wisdom and advice: don't limit yourself to 5 resolutions. We all know they don't last long so keep adding more and try to work on those as the year goes on. Perhaps even refresh it at the start of every month and reach for all your goals. Have hope in yourself and believe that every year will be your year! No matter if it started well and ended bad, or it was overall better than you anticipated, every year is yours, grab it in the tightest fist and shape it how you want. Yes bad things will happen but you still have control in making good happen too. Don't let go. Make memories, capture them in shameless selfies and write them down in a scrapbook or jar full of notes. Let people know you love them, or that you don't like them - no point holding onto a bad thing. Have hope in good things my friends. Even when you feel like there are no good things, make them.
My wish for you this year is that your life becomes all that you want it to. Your dreams stay big and your worries stay small. You never need to carry more than you can hold. And while you're out there getting to where you need to get to, I hope you know somebody loves you.
Cheerio loved ones - Beky x
