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It's been a while since I've spoken to you like this... A lot has gone on. People always tell me you;re always watching over me and are so proud, although I hope you only watch when I want you too, it would be weird as hell if you were always watching, you know because I shower etc... So I shall fill you in on a few things that come to mind....
Gemma said to me yesterday "I said I couldn't live without you and I was thinking, well I am now aren't I, but I'm not because you're always on my mind so how can that be living without you if you're still with me mentally" and I relate to that of course with her because we spoke everyday and about so much - everything! But now not so much, and for a while we let the distance happen but then I guess we both felt it too much and we spoke a lot yesterday, and it was like nothing had changed. It was lovely - she's a treasured friend to me but you knew that. But what she said made me think of you most. Because I could never dream of a life without you to guide me through it - and now I'm wandering around clueless, so often thinking "damn, mom would know exactly what to do right now."
My friendship circle has changed rather a lot - I had new ones when starting sixth form but it would seem not being in sixth form with them everyday left our friendships to fade. I've accepted that by now and am just plodding along, because I'm settling into myself and am surprisingly quite happy to plod along. Louis and my Chummy (Miss Amy Bates to you) are blessings, always so full of laughs, love and support for me. I have made friends at uni too - yes I went after all after no success in any other of my options. But I'm doing well and actually starting to get into my photography much more, I'm letting my love for it steer the way! My lecturer Timm is very lovely and lives in Kings Heath too, he was very very complementary of my protest pictures and was surprised and impressed when I told him it was my first try too. I was bubbling with pride after that and wanted nothing more than to gallop home and tell you in all my giddiness and earn myself a squeeze. I even took out a couple books on photojournalism - seems like a fairly possible route after doing such a good job at a protest and enjoying doing it too!
I've read a fair bit recently, all photographic books so it's all learning from interesting history, tips and inspiration from other photographers but I do miss disappearing into a fictitious world as we both loved to do. It has made me want to embrace my creativeness that I know comes from you, I want to visit galleries and libraries and have art on my walls and be proud of my own art (photographic of course, I'm still not ready to pick up a paintbrush after the ruthlessness that is A level art). I am quite enjoying being a person of creativity recently and I'm happy to be occupying all my time with it. I feel like I am getting back into the more positive headspace - I have noticed that happens after November, December, January and February pass. Although the other day I let myself be distracted and unproductive and got very angry at myself, but the positive compliments and constructive criticism from Timm has boosted my confidence and I shall try to not stumble into a lazy day when I've planned for the opposite even if I do redeem myself the next day.
Nothing saddens me more than remembering you have never seen my pictures - not the ones I put all my thought, effort and consideration into using a DSLR. Sometimes I think of my picture of a bee that I took with your pink pocket camera that you loved so much you had it printed and framed in the back room, I printed it again to hang on my wall to remind myself of the times I begged to borrow this little camera so I could entertain myself and you encouraging me with the mindset of "see things from a different angle, make it interesting." It makes me wonder if you would have framed any of my other images and how much you would show them to your friends. I bet you'd like and share anything and everything I put onto my Facebook photography page to admire my photos digitally at least. Thank you for setting that little spark of photography love, it's serving me well.
I think that's all I have to say, I've come to a grinding halt and my brain has been emptied of thoughtfulness for one day...
Cheerio Mama - Beky x
