As an introvert it can be a little lonely and isolating when you're sat within a group of people. Wanting a bit of alone time or wishing nobody directly asked you a question you hadn't really considered an answer to. Or when you're in just the right mood and with the right people that you feel comfortable with it can still be very draining to have to socialise for a whole day. Even just 6 or so hours at school I have to take about an hour when I get home to just sit to myself before I move on to doing something with myself like washing up or pulling my homework out of my bag.

I've recently had a busy weekend full of socialising. I had a sleepover at one friends house and went from there to another friends house to sleepover there. I had 5 minutes to go home and drop off my bags before going to see my cousins at my grandparents house before they left for their home again. Another 5 minutes to empty my bag and fill it with my purse and other little essentials to go and see a movie (paper towns, it was amazing).

After that weekend I was in some serious need of home and alone time to recharge and recover from the non stop socialising. Don't get me wrong, I love my little cousins and my friends are bundles of fun but as an introvert, that was an absolutely overwhelming jam packed weekend.

Two of my best friends - who have been best friends with one another for 13 years? - have a few opposites amongst their similarities. One is tall, the other is short. One is blonde, the other is brunette. One is introverted, the other is extroverted. This close contrast I see nearly every day in texts or at school while we're not on a break. It's interesting to see two points of view, for example, we had plans to go out one day to the park during half term and while one friend was excited to meet up and go out, the other said she was happy to have a week away from school to do nothing, sit in and watch films and what have you. I laughed because we had plans that very day and the day after but it was interesting to see how different people felt about having plans.

Nevertheless, I feel I have now recovered from my oh so social weekend, feeling more chipper and more likely to accept another invitation out hahaa!

I'd like you to make note of todays picture and look after your introverted and extroverted friends accordingly, we are all different after all and humans need a little bit of lovin'. If you can't quite decide whether you are more introverted or extroverted I've taken the liberty of linking a quiz for you [here] and [here]. I took the tests myself and it seemed pretty accurate.

Let me know whether you're introverted or extroverted or if you have any I vs E stories. :)

Recently I have been missing my mom a lot. She's been visiting in my dreams, which are as strange as ever, and seeing her has been a little comfort. Knowing that I still know her face is a relief. I have the weakest memory and my biggest fear is forgetting her but I remember her hugs like I had a squish yesterday. I held her for a hug after I got home after collecting my results, which proved to be a highly emotional day. I held her and rested my cheek on the top of her urn (is it an urn, would you call it that? It's not a typical metal fancy thing it's quite plain and simple but anyways) and I let out a little cry. Then I just sat there with her on my lap as I scrolled through tumblr and twitter and the like.

I pulled up a selection of picture quotes for todays post and felt this on was most relevant to what I wanted to say. I don't talk about it much. I've had a couple counsellors for different things, I can get onto that in another blog post another time if you would like to hear it - let me know. I didn't enjoy any experience and found it didn't help me much at all but made me cry and feel ashamed of my crying voice and I wasn't really honest, I just agreed to what they thought most people would feel in my situation. So when I was offered counselling after she had passed away (I still use euphemisms for it, it's a hard thought) I politely declined.

I did plan to write my feelings in a journal/notebook as mom did after she was diagnosed but that only had about 2 short entries. And I sometimes mention it to Gemma or have heart to hearts with Eve, Eve and Annie or one of the Bates ladies. And we're already on mother post number 4. Even so, I've stuck to bottling it up as I do with everything. Good or bad, I manage. Everyone always says how strong I am. Emotionally of course, I have the weakest biceps.

Anyway back to the main point. I miss her. I miss her a lot. I miss her every day. Holy Jesus, here come the emotions. I sometimes wish it was me but then I remember that we'd still be separated. Then I wish it was someone else and feel bad for wishing this pain on another family. I try to imagine her input to my life as it is now, what facial expression she'd pull, how explosive her laugh would be, her comment on how I looked or what I achieved or how bad of a day I was having. Some moments are harder to feel her presence than others and that hurts.

I have decided to let myself be miserable on my next birthday. Because I'll be an adult and can do what I want. I predict it will be a hard day for me, like my 46th birthday when I'll become older than my mom. And if I'm not swallowed by misery then fine, I'll let my friends and family smother me in positivity but I have to feel sadness to feel human, everyone does. So I'll give myself a day off from the funny, loud laughing Beky we all know. And there will either be a highly emotional and sensitive blog post or none at all come mid November.

The most exciting thing I can think of about moving out and getting your own place is imagining decorating the space as your own. I crave to have my own study room/office where I can sit down and be productive. A room for writing, drawing and editing.  I couldn't find a picture I really liked to use for todays blog post so I edited this one myself from my pinterest board "interior".

I imagine my office as having a nice wooden desk facing out the window for all my daydreaming needs, with an entire wall as a book case (although looking at this picture how cool would it be to have shelves wrap around the whole room! Scratch that, I'm short so that wouldn't work). Maybe a hard wood floor so I have maximum potential for speed on my spinning desk chair. And my guitar hung up on a wall somewhere with a couple motivating life quotes.

My dad made me a desk out of my old bed in my room, although because of lack of space in there I never really used it for its true purpose. So I migrated to the dining table until it got clogged up with a mass pile of stuff. When my brother temporarily moved down to Portsmouth for his apprenticeship I took over his giant desk in his room. Which served me very well until he came back and reclaimed his room. And so I'm back to the dining table, which has formed a pile of my working stuff and a small assortment of dads (lets face it) crap around the edge, with just the right amount of clear space for me to do my homework and sit and have some laptop time when I can.

I'm not most fond of change and the prospect of having to fend for myself and my own shelter is terrifying but I'm sort of comforted by the fact that I will have it looking just the way I want it to. I absolutely crave to be able to design and decorate my own study room. I'd be too overwhelmed with excitement with having my own place to decorate just for myself to be nervous about the spending costs on making it look just right. I'd probably most definitely blow my budget too fast!

So tell me, what room are you (or were you) most excited to decorate when you get your hands on your own house or flat?