Anyway... After going in to get my results I actually forgot to share them with people - even my dad! It's not because I'm not pleased, I'm just not really fussed and it's not much of a big deal, although my papa, grandparents and Steve and Deb from the best work experience ever were all exceptionally chuffed for me with beaming smiles.

I really can't put my finger on why I forgot to share my results when people were so very eager to hear them. It's just a thing I did. [it was at this point I received a DM on Instagram off Canon themselves about my competition entry - competition info here - holy bloody hell, lets talk about that can we?! - they wanted my permission for them to share my image on their site and social media, I of course obliged, how fucking exciting is that!! More chuffed about that than a good uni result now. Thanks to Hannah and Stef Michalak for talking about the competition which lead me to get involved in the first place! Back to the main subject...] What I wanted to talk about was self pride, and how evidently I don't much feel it with uni and my tutor even told the class that some people need to feel more confident with their work and be proud of what the present rather than put themselves down. I often do these things because I know there are SO many incredible photographers out there, with their own distinguished style and success and recognition from that, all who I can't compare to because I just dabble in everything and don't really know what I'm doing.

I figured that whenever I feel proud of myself that it's my mom's pride I'm feeling, and I like that. I love more how my dad has told me he's proud of me, without me asking to as I've had to do before... It's reassurance from my best friend that I'm doing well, even though I'm not sure if I really am or not. Him, plus Steve and Deb giving me high praise (as well as the canon thing) makes me feel like I'm doing a good job as a photographer so far, so I should be proud of myself right?

Perhaps I've detached myself from the last project as it became really quite difficult to complete and left me both physically and emotionally drained so I can't feel too proud of something that although I'm pleased with, makes me feel so crappy. Nevertheless I did feel very proud to show my books to Steve and Deb, and dad wants to show it off too.

I'm not sure I can make it to the wisdomous part of the blog post where I give you some advice... Perhaps I too shall work on letting myself feel proud of what I do and get back to you. I guess it's all part of confidence in yourself and your abilities, I don't even have the confidence to talk to people let alone show them things I make.

If you do have some advice on this for myself and other readers then do comment it below :)

I truly feel like 2015 has been my year... and I expect 2016 to be my year too, because I'm going to own it anyway and continue to grab my opportunities and make the most of those experiences so I can look back and only see all the great things as I do with 2015.

Always a lovely idea for new year - find a jar or something like it and every time something good happens, big or small, write it on a scrap piece of paper and put it in the jar. Then next new year, open it up and re-read all the amazing things that happened. I failed at this though but I still very much remember many good things that happened last year and I want to list them here for me to look back on. (not necessarily in chronological or best-to-not-so-best-but-I-still-love-it order)

1. Meeting Joe Sugg twice - once with Caspar Lee there too and he said me and Joe match as we were both wearing Caspar's merchandise.
2. Meeting Louise Pentland and Darcy! And I managed to tell her how her videos make me very happy then proceeded to happy cry all the way to the bus stop, then she favourited my tweet about crying.
3. Seeing All Time Low live at Wembley with my brother. They are our shared favourite band and it was our first time seeing them and all the fun was had.
4. Meeting Carrie Hope Fletcher with Eve, Annie and Chummy - where Careoke was born and she said hello to my vlog and we had banter, it was a lovely moment.
5. Listening to my friends tell me why they appreciate me and how I inspire them with everything I have done and will continue to do despite my heartbreak of my mother's death.
6. Having Gemma here with me in the first few weeks and filming my first sit down youtube video with her, which was a lot of fun. I'm glad we filmed our lols together to treasure forever and we can watch it back at any time, knowing that connection will never fade.
7. Having the greatest and most rewarding work experience ever with Tip Top Photography! Not only have they become treasured friends but also inspirations for me and my photography dreams. Believing in my potential and highlighting it to me so I can believe in myself too, as well as supporting and teaching me SO much so I can improve with every photo.
8. Donating blood for the first time and not having any problems with it (yes dad that was a very subtle mock of you - love you) And having my most successful blog post detailing my experience of it as it was shared on twitter by @GiveBloodNHS.
9. Finding the pleasant hobby of blogging - like an online diary it helps me not bottle things up and share some young wisdom. With constant support from friends telling me they enjoyed my latest post and lots of views around the world (I swear I'm less addicted to checking my stats compared to when I first started).
10. Having an enjoyable 18th birthday party, which I never expected. With dancing, friends, family and alcohol and having Steve and Debbie there taking beautiful photos from the night was an amazing gift.
11. Dying my hair so purple that I raised over £700 pounds for Pancreatic Cancer UK and the lovely Hannah Michalak even shared the link to my just giving page (thank you Hannah).
12. Passed all my AS Levels with two As and a B, I hope I can keep them just as good if not better when I complete my A Levels this year.
13. Felt truly and deeply content and comfortable with my friends, the realest friends I have ever known. I never want a single one of them to leave my life, whether I don't get to see them every day because of different colleges or even different countries, or if I live and work close to them - I adore my best friends for making 2015 and my life a happier place for me.
14. Went to London multiple times, the city of awe. With friends, my ever banterous media class and English - where friends were present too - also Benedict Cumberbatch, great actor.
15. Began feeling comfortable in myself and the type of person I'm beginning to become. I still have a long way to go don't get me wrong but I'm getting there and Gemma reminds me this occasionally and says she is pleased I'm getting there. I wouldn't get very far at all without her support and love, she's my rock.

List all your greatest moment's of 2015 in a notebook or in a jar, share your most favourite with me in the comments - I'd love to hear your highs. And let's not forget that lovely Anne Frank quote, "don't think of all the misery, but all the beauty that remains." I love that quote, I think of it often. We can't completely forget all the big miseries, whether we try to or not. They become a part of our personality and shape us into who we are. But when you focus on all the beauty, things become great and you have more reason to smile. Smiles are happiness radiating out of your face, and it looks gorgeous on you!

I am honestly laughing so hard at this picture, what an eloquent quote. I know my mom would also be laughing, she loves this grumpy cat. I'm still laughing, hold on, give me a moment and we'll get down to the point -the point oh my god it's too funny!

Okay.... still laughing, I hope you are too, look at that, piss funny, comedy gold right there.

I had my first exam today. It went okay, definitely could have been better but it wasn't a disaster so it's okay. One down one to go. This week while I've been revising hard to go over everything and get my thoughts straight and feel confident about sitting down and writing about the subject that I strongly believe needs to have more banter like seriously English teachers are so uptight calm down, I've been wanting to turn to my mom.

I wanted to tell her I was struggling and needed help to suggest some ideas or give the definition of a word. I wanted her to encourage me and motivate me to actually get on with it or to keep on going for a little bit more. I wanted her to reassure me that I'll do fine and when results day rolls around she would be proud of me.

I took my maths foundation GCSE exam in year 9 when my mom was healthy. I walked in with my brother who went to get all of his GCSE results and we both came out holding our envelopes and walked over to a bench she was siting on. We both did well of course (we're fabulous) and her smile was so big and her hugs were so tight and I couldn't wait until two years when I'd get that again with all of my GCSE subjects.

Shit went down just before my mock exams, I didn't revise and did bad because I'd forgotten things and I was even asked to take the foundation papers in science because of my bad results but I told them I can bring it back again in time for the real thing. I did. But I didn't get my smile or my hug. Dad was very quiet, maybe he was wishing the same as me and just trying to keep cool. And now I'm doing it all again, and will do it next year too.

Firstly this is bullshit now, education takes the almighty piss, I'm bored of this routine now. More importantly, I can't rely on my imagination to comfort me and tell me what she would say. How many times she would tell me she's proud of me, how many times she'd look at me, smile and then pull me in for a hug. But I do have an abundance of friends and family for support who reassure me that yes, my mom would be so proud of me. I guess I just need her for that bit inbetween learning the crap and getting a grade for how much crap I know for her to tell me to keep on wading through the crap because summer is clean and happy.

That's a fucking weird metaphor - sorry for all the swears.

Yesterday I met my dad at school for parents consultation evening, we collected my written report and went round to talk to my teachers. I'm not going to boast or suck up here but it was basically very positive and I just need to keep working hard on the exam material and revise to finish off the courses well and keep my grades high.

I thought back to previous consultation evenings where me and my parents sat in one room to speak to my personal tutor who I saw once a week and knew how I was getting on in all areas, we don't have that in sixth form anymore. I remember walking out the room and looking up at them, asking what they thought and my mom smiling at me and wrapping her arm around me and saying "I'm very proud of you, well done". I kept having to ask my dad after every teacher what he thought but he wrapped his arm around me and didn't say much. I admit that I would've felt better if he told me he was proud of men and I was doing well but never the less I felt my mom smiling and that was okay. We joked about Miranda and Stevie singing Heather Small's song "What have you done today to make you feel proud" and I thought that I felt proud and that was enough to make me smile.

I'm always trying to do things that would make my mom proud, thinking about big decisions and taking in to account what mom might want me to do or what she might say to help. I love the way mom looked when she was proud of me and I love to think about that when I feel like I've done well. It takes me a while to believe people when they tell me that "your mom would be so proud of you Beky" because I guess I'm just a little harsh on myself like that. When I think of everything I've done or tried to achieve this past year I feel like she would be proud of me, and that gives me the confidence to perceiver and continue doing what I enjoy and doing it well.

I'm curious about the future and excited to possibly fulfil my plans but I can wait. I used to always say "I can't wait until I'm older" but know I have grown up I know my mom was right in saying I shouldn't wish my life away because now I wish I was young again, where it was okay to laugh loudly in public and you had your mom there to laugh with you. I'm eager to try photography on a serious and professional level and decorate a home the way I would like it to look and drive around in a lovely car that I know the workings of. I know that can all wait in the future until the day I find myself there, and I know that when I do achieve these things my mom will be proud of me.

Though I would appreciate my dad and my brother showing pride for me more I can feel it from my mom and Gemma and that's enough because their belief in me and support gives me confidence to achieve more.

What have you done to make you feel proud recently? Big or small.