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Anyway I was saying I'm bored, and that feels weird. I suppose I could start some work on my website or start on some ideas for the next uni project. I'm experimenting in the darkroom for the next few weeks! I'm very excited about it because I don't know what's going to happen or where it will take me. But I do enjoy playing with the enlargers and the chemistry, and I've barely even started yet so it's bound to get more interesting. The only hard thing about doing new things with my photography is not being able to show you. I constantly wonder how much you'd like my pictures, if you'd frame them or post them online or add to my mind maps of ideas. I scrolled through your facebook yesterday and found a post of yours, it was a picture I had taken and you'd commented that, I know you'd be proud of the pictures I take just as dad is, they're a little better than that old one I saw.

I've been feeling rather low for quite a while. Naturally I haven't confided in anyone, though hardly anyone even asks so why burden anyone with my everlasting grief of you. I did a whole photography project about that. At the time I liked the therapy it gave me but now I think it's a bit tacky, perhaps you would too. I can think of many things I would change about it but maybe that's reason to try it again, make it better as well as helping me cope. I don't know how I'd word my feelings to anyone even if they asked me whats on my mind. Though it is immensely annoying when people do ask whats up and all I can think is "are you fucking joking me, have you forgotten what day it is?"

I haven't been getting up to much. My bed becomes warmer when I'm feeling so low, not helped by the fact it's probably winter and anything that isn't bed is colder anyway. I don't have too much to update you on, some would say I need not tell you anything as you're "always watching over me" - which I kind of hope you're not because I'd rather have my bathroom time in complete privacy thank you very much. It's going to be a while until the next Saturday 25th, so I thought I would dedicate one of my many notebooks to this kind of thing, but unrestricted. Just unread letters to you. I know dad has said he talks to you sometimes as he asked me once if I talk to you too, which I do, just not out loud.

I found an old video of you though, you were playing intense tig with Alex in the lounge and that did make me laugh out loud - Alex and Dad too. I also found the video of dad when he was drunk and caused a lot of trouble in the kitchen, you know the night I'm talking about. I'm sure we couldn't get through it in one go you would laugh so much at your husband.

I know you would want me to be happy and celebrate today, and all my birthdays, to go out and have a meal or drinks at the pub, or bask in gifts and well wishers - as everyone tells me "it's what your mom would want" - though they do not need to - but I simply do not have it in me. I am tired and confused. Confused about what I should be feeling on this dreaded day, and tired of making attempts at fun. This year I have ran out of fucks in which to give and the past few months I have spent just minding my own business. It's quiet and sometimes a little lonely but I know I will always have my dad and Alex, and the Bates' - which they all made sure to tell me more than once last night. I think my new years resolution will be to use this lack of cares to really work on myself and my work, to get myself ready for wherever it is that I'm heading, really grab life by the wotsits.

I'm surprised at how calm I feel after writing all that to you mama, but hey if you were still here to actually talk to I would be calm, I'd have no worries and no imbalance of emotions - perhaps someone ought to take me to the doctor as you used to..

Maybe I'll have a birthday alcoholic beverage for you mom, what would you suggest, Baileys in my hot Chocolate?

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Not much has happened within a month, bit odd it's been two in a row with a Saturday the 25th... Well, I've completed another module of uni and I think I feel okay about it - I haven't got my grade back yet but I feel I'm getting better nonetheless, despite the long list of improvements I know I still have to make. Hopefully my lecturers won't dwell on them in feedback and I can just continue to remember the mistakes I now need to learn from. I guess it's been quite a photography orientated month - well life is getting more and more photography based full stop but I'm okay with that.

I've just done some spring cleaning and reclaimed a cupboard which I have half dedicated to all my photography related stuff so now they have a special safe place that isn't just on the front room floor (which I also tidied up a bit too) although now I have even more bags of old crap I don't want that is filling up said front room. Me and Alex are constantly on dad's back about his "flat surface syndrome" as you called it, not letting us actually get rid of these bags of things neither of us want. It almost feels wrong to clear out the house and tidy it as it will probably look so different you won't recognise it if you came through the door. But if it was left a mess you'd certainly fling the bags out the door with such force they'd fly to the tip.

I had a great but intense studio shoot on my own this month too, with Amy and Jess to help and they loved it so I think I'll recruit them again. I got a lot of different images but I'm absolutely going to book the studio with more time in advance so I don't have to rush it so much! I also had my first photography exhibition with a few classmates - not with my new friends which was even more nerve wracking! But they are nice people so it was fine and I felt very proud of the event as there was a great turnout and Evie C, Gilligan and Ryan came too which was unexpected but lovely!

Me and dad went to the Photography Show again - I think it will be our own NEC outing - I still remember always going to the festive gift fair with you, although I loved it I haven't been since, it just won't be the same. Plus we have so many ornaments it still escapes me how you managed to put them all up every year! The photo show was good though - although I did get a bit overwhelmed by the crowds a couple times. We got a few bits and bobs which I'm very excited about - dad even got himself his own camera, a second hand DSLR which is the same model as mine. Oh the trend setter that I am!

I photographed Mr and Mrs Bates' surprise wedding anniversary party which was hosted by Amy, who did an amazing job and even got dad to be Elvis! I can just hear your laugh now... It's really difficult doing parties because the lighting is so bad but it makes me enjoy the party more when I can wander around and photograph, particularly when I don't really have someone to cause trouble with or the social confidence to find someone new to talk to. They said I'm definitely doing the right thing because they didn't even notice me taking photos - which is good I guess, not getting in the way. And Clare was very pleased with her photos I took at hers and Leo's birthdays which I put onto disk for them.

Speaking of Mrs Bates and Clare I have written them both, and Jacqui, a godmothers day card each for tomorrow. I don't see them all much but when I do it's always lovely - you made a good choice in godparents for me and Alex. I always hate the emails from shops I'm a loyal customer to about mothers day offers and I've never deleted anything quicker - as well as that punch in the face when you walk past a card shop, they're so extra! But for some reason this year I decided to appreciate what I do have and got a beautiful card for the three of them and wished them a happy Sunday. I know you wouldn't mind me spreading some "motherly" love as I still remember you telling me how I would "go from having one mother to lots of mothers" as they would join forces to support me - all of us - through the illness and you are always right, I only wish I had my most important mommy too...

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Happy Saturday people! I hope the sun is smiling down at you today. It's quite sunny here but I ache, my feet, legs and throat hurt, all probably due to the fact it was prom last night and I had a lot of fun! (this is the part where I self-promo my instagram where you can see photos from this day) Despite having so much fun I felt like I needed a lie down, the last hour of the evening became emotional as I began missing my mom. I took myself outside and sat on a bench... until I saw a rat then I promptly dried my tears and went to the back garden area.

I thought about how she would never see me in heels, until I remembered that one pair that went missing after the one night I wore them, and thoughts just spiralled to all sorts of things. It passed 12am before I went to sleep and I thought about how for the first year, on every 25th of the month I would tweet to her, indirectly and just update her on recent events and tell her how much I missed her. I still marvel at how I can think about someone every single day, all day long.

It was a cathartic ritual I gave myself every month - choosing the 25th as that's the date she lost her very very unfair battle. I still occasionally talk to her when I'm alone, not always out loud but I will tell her things and crave a second voice in the conversation. I try to close my eyes and imagine her reactions; usually a pride filled face at my achievements, as that's a significant thing I miss.

I have mentioned before how I took an exam in year 9 and she was there for my results and I try to remember her pride every time I reach a new level of success. It is difficult when people tell me "she'd be proud of you", because I want her to tell me she's proud, with that beaming smile and shining eyes.

With my blog it's quite a split between photography and heartfelt writing, I have a photography project in mind that I could share on my blog but considering my old 25th ritual, I think I shall revert to it when a Saturday the 25th rolls around as a more personal ongoing project to help me deal with such loss. I hope you don't mind being given such emotional subject from time to time, but I do enjoy the relief of writing down my thoughts, although controversial to make public.

I encourage you to perhaps do the same if you've had a family or friend bereavement. Doing it once a month for a year was really nice as it helped me to accept the situation, no matter how much I don't want it to exist. And most of all it helped me keep her fresh in my mind as I fear ever so much of forgetting, no matter how ridiculous or impossible that may be.

Take care my dears, I'm always here for you if you need another ear to talk to about these sort of situations.