Well hi there strangers. I do hope I still have an audience and that you're all well. Lately I've been having skin troubles in the face region - which I often do, and it often gets me even more down about my face than usual. Anyway I've been hunting for cleansers that will help heal my skin and keep it spot, eczema and redness free and the long hunt for such a kind-to-my-problem-skin cleanser made me think about the other things I've been "cleansing" in my life generally.

I want to get back to blogging again, with no strict rules - I've always written about whatever I wanted and will continue to do so, posting only when I have something with meaning and purpose, so it's worth you sitting down to read (and me sitting down to write). I also don't know when I'll be posting, if I'll write something up when I'm in the mood and save it for the good ol' Saturday, or just hit publish -  nevertheless it won't be strictly weekly, it will be as and when, but hopefully worth any waits.

I've even hidden a few posts that I just couldn't stand because of their poor quality when I rushed out a post for the sake of being weekly. As a sort of cleanse for my blog I wanted to come back knowing that those posts can no longer be seen and I can't be brought to any shame for publishing such forced nonsense. Perhaps I should go all out and start all over again with a fresh slate. Maybe a brave step for another time...

I've also done a bit of cleansing of "stuff", really just bits of clothes and toys in my brother's room to help him clear his own space up as he was really going for it and I have a corner of space for myself in his room as mine doesn't have the space - it's not that I have that much stuff honestly, my wardrobe lives in his room, which is another thing we both plan on cleansing together pretty soon too. After helping him clean up his room it's made me want to do the same with mine, except I've got it into my head that spiders live under my bed inbetween all the old toys crammed under there so I'm quite hesitant to get started to be honest.

Meanwhile, I've been trying a bit of a digital cleanse. My most recent photography project investigated hyper-connectivity and telepresence which made me look at my own use of digital things. Perhaps that's a blog post in itself I can explain deeper, but I certainly want to continue photographing the subject. Anyway I felt compelled to detach myself from my phone a bit more and I realised all I use it for is to call and text my dad and brother and scroll endlessly when I have nothing better to do, so I turned off a lot of notification sounds and banners to help me look at it less so I can "live in the moment".

It's probably all a bit of a pretentious ideal that I want to make a big project out of really. We're too involved with screens (she says, writing on a screen) and I wanted to make myself step back from mine, get a bit of perspective and detach myself from being so reliant/dependant on something that I don't actually use all that much - we all know I'm not a social person but I really rarely get any notifications it's almost sad.

Anyway, I'm cleansed (and still cleansing) and I feel like I've almost over-used this analogy for one little blog post so I'll end with some encouragement for you to do some spring cleaning of your own. It always grows into a bigger task because it leads you to wanting to clean out more things, be it your Facebook friends list or the cupboard under the stairs but it always feels so good afterwards.

[x]

Anyway I was saying I'm bored, and that feels weird. I suppose I could start some work on my website or start on some ideas for the next uni project. I'm experimenting in the darkroom for the next few weeks! I'm very excited about it because I don't know what's going to happen or where it will take me. But I do enjoy playing with the enlargers and the chemistry, and I've barely even started yet so it's bound to get more interesting. The only hard thing about doing new things with my photography is not being able to show you. I constantly wonder how much you'd like my pictures, if you'd frame them or post them online or add to my mind maps of ideas. I scrolled through your facebook yesterday and found a post of yours, it was a picture I had taken and you'd commented that, I know you'd be proud of the pictures I take just as dad is, they're a little better than that old one I saw.

I've been feeling rather low for quite a while. Naturally I haven't confided in anyone, though hardly anyone even asks so why burden anyone with my everlasting grief of you. I did a whole photography project about that. At the time I liked the therapy it gave me but now I think it's a bit tacky, perhaps you would too. I can think of many things I would change about it but maybe that's reason to try it again, make it better as well as helping me cope. I don't know how I'd word my feelings to anyone even if they asked me whats on my mind. Though it is immensely annoying when people do ask whats up and all I can think is "are you fucking joking me, have you forgotten what day it is?"

I haven't been getting up to much. My bed becomes warmer when I'm feeling so low, not helped by the fact it's probably winter and anything that isn't bed is colder anyway. I don't have too much to update you on, some would say I need not tell you anything as you're "always watching over me" - which I kind of hope you're not because I'd rather have my bathroom time in complete privacy thank you very much. It's going to be a while until the next Saturday 25th, so I thought I would dedicate one of my many notebooks to this kind of thing, but unrestricted. Just unread letters to you. I know dad has said he talks to you sometimes as he asked me once if I talk to you too, which I do, just not out loud.

I found an old video of you though, you were playing intense tig with Alex in the lounge and that did make me laugh out loud - Alex and Dad too. I also found the video of dad when he was drunk and caused a lot of trouble in the kitchen, you know the night I'm talking about. I'm sure we couldn't get through it in one go you would laugh so much at your husband.

I know you would want me to be happy and celebrate today, and all my birthdays, to go out and have a meal or drinks at the pub, or bask in gifts and well wishers - as everyone tells me "it's what your mom would want" - though they do not need to - but I simply do not have it in me. I am tired and confused. Confused about what I should be feeling on this dreaded day, and tired of making attempts at fun. This year I have ran out of fucks in which to give and the past few months I have spent just minding my own business. It's quiet and sometimes a little lonely but I know I will always have my dad and Alex, and the Bates' - which they all made sure to tell me more than once last night. I think my new years resolution will be to use this lack of cares to really work on myself and my work, to get myself ready for wherever it is that I'm heading, really grab life by the wotsits.

I'm surprised at how calm I feel after writing all that to you mama, but hey if you were still here to actually talk to I would be calm, I'd have no worries and no imbalance of emotions - perhaps someone ought to take me to the doctor as you used to..

Maybe I'll have a birthday alcoholic beverage for you mom, what would you suggest, Baileys in my hot Chocolate?

Aloha folks, I hope you are well. I'm still eagerly waiting for my results on my last uni submission, perhaps when I get those I might share with you some of my images from that project and talk about it a little, but for now here is one image and a couple other pieces from what went on to make that last project happen... Here is May...


Week one and I went into the studio again for some experimentation. I am still not sure if my images are "fine art" enough but this one (and ones like this) seemed so, so I was much happier with these and only wish I had many more in this style to put in the required 15 image long book. But hey-ho, it was experimentation with self portrait - long exposure and subject matter for me and it was a very different way of shooting things for me so that's gotta count for something right?

I did use this image in my final book though, in case you were wondering.


Speaking of the books, week two was full of book making, and I got so into it I wrote a blog post on how to make a book [x]. I really want to keep making books after this module - perhaps for another hand in if it suits but just for little gifts and things would be lovely. I really enjoyed the process and found it somewhat therapeutic to sit and construct something with my hands for a few hours.


Week Three and I went to my beloved London with my uni pals as if we all didn't have a deadline in literally a week, but we had fun. we went to see Photo London which was a maze of an exhibition, after seeing most of it we headed to the Tate Modern so we could squeeze in some exploring along the way which we all really wanted to do. Would have been more fun had it not been raining but it made for a couple good images and sparked an idea in me to photograph some of the uglier parts of cities - which you can see here [x].

This image is something that amazed me on Millennium Bridge and had me looking down the whole time. "Chewing Gum Man" as he is aptly nicknamed, paints old pieces of gum on the bridge, making art out of what is usually an eyesore of litter. It was beautiful and I am still so amazed by it and would love to see it again to really take it in as I was called to catch up and was limited by time. Also the rain - which I love, but hate to actually be in.


And finally week four, the hand in! Which I stayed up until nearly 4 to finish ha! (yes I'm still tired) But I managed it, albeit I would have wanted to put more attention to detail and perhaps even another dummy book I have literally just realised I forgot to put the writing in the bigger black dummy book, oh my god but I'm very pleased with what I did submit - even more so as my dad has said more than once, all without me pestering, how he's proud of what I've done. Twas a little surreal though when both me and my tutor teared up in my assessment the day after hand in when we were talking about it - hey, the brief did say it had to be emotionally stimulating...

I was also chuffed to have two beautiful cover designs with the help of Flob and Lauryn - thanks guys, you da best, but because they look so good I actually miss my books so I'm pretty eager to get them back so I can have a flick through and show them the finished product of their help and expert crafts(wo)manship.

Also a key highlight of this month - which I feel I ought to note - has been finally getting my own laptop which I am ever grateful for, and which I blog to you from now. It's so beautiful I love it so much, but I'm kind of eager to get back to uni just so I can use it for what it was bought for rather than games and netflix... Sorry dad, but thank you SO much 💗 I would go back to said games and netflix now but as you're reading this I'm being a proper secondary photographer so I'll be doing that!

Happy June :)

Firstly (ha) I got a first in my third university module, which I don't want to brag about or show off but I'm insanely proud of the achievement - I still need to get my hands on my prints and memory stick from this project so I can be reunited with my work, but like most things I keep forgetting. My memory is tragic.


As I hinted at the start, I don't remember anything happening this week, other than some quality time with my bro... And I sort of cheated by using this image I took much more recently, but I remember spending time with him in this second week of April, particularly going for a walk and sticking a sticky plant onto his back and snapchatting his oblivious-ness this green hitchhiker.


In the third week it was camera club meet again and the plan was to go to West Bromwich and photograph their large St George's Day parade. It didn't go to plan but I still loved the images I got from it... You can see them all [here].


Finally, week four and I began shooting for my current project, where I am experimenting with photography in both techniques and subject matters and self portraits (which is much easier said than done, let me tell you) to convey grief. I am doing this because it's almost and "issue" how little is spoken about grief, but in showing how I deal with it and who I am grieving, I'm trying to bring it to the surface and make people think about love and loss. In this self portrait I'm holding up a dead bunch of my mom's favourite flowers, alstroemerias.

I'll possibly share more of this project once it's complete - I've shot loads but haven't had time to edit a single thing! In the meantime, take care, and a merry week to you!

Hello good people, I hope your February went well. I've had a fair few ups and downs but what can you do but power on through with it? Nevertheless here is February, a little different to January there are a couple photographic projects that I have included as the week was pretty much based around planning and shooting that...


Week one, I took myself into a new environment which was both scary and exciting, I blogged the series that week so you can see it all here [x]. I was and still am very pleased with these images and last week I showed them to my tutor at the work check and he was very impressed - especially as it was my first attempt at this kind of thing. His complements and encouragement has certainly boosted my confidence and I would definitely do this sort of thing again.


Week two and I had my first ever roll of film developed after having a workshop in the darkroom the same week. I didn't develop it myself but I was still very excited with the results and knowing how it was all done. I bought two more rolls of film to use and I'm very excited to hand print them now that I know how - I just haven't found the time!


Week three and it was reading week at uni, so I took out a bunch of library books and have continued to visit the library in search of resources. I even managed to read two photography books I bought last year and they were amazing - I later went out to buy the third in the series and I think I might do a book review they were just SO good! I have always enjoyed reading but my favourites are fiction novels so it was very different to read so many factual and picture books. But it was inspiring nonetheless.

[x]

The third week was pretty rough, I came down ill and lost my voice - it's still gone, oh how I miss it. So this week consisted of being in bed, admiring my lovely windowsill which I completely redecorated somewhat recently (weeks and weeks ago but it still looks lovely and new) and drinking so much warm honey and lemon that my blood probably tastes like honey and lemon... Please don't drink my blood to test this exaggeration!

I haven't uploaded anything these past two weeks whilst I've been on work experience in town. I haven't had much free time to sit down and edit a video or think about something to write about, I've only just caught up on two weeks worth of my YouTube subscriptions, which will grow again by the time I'm home. But it has been very enjoyable getting hands on in the business, gathering and sharing information and taking my own photos that clients want to keep.

The people who work in the building are the friendliest and though I haven't strayed too far from my quiet self it has been nice to work with some genuinely lovely people and watching them have jokes with each other as friends and family members share the working space. I do hope to keep in touch and work with them in similar ways I have done now or even hiring out their studio in the future for something exciting.

Nevertheless, though these past two weeks have been very enriching for me I am so aware of how much I've been slacking on writing blog posts and editing a video. Even though I enjoy doing it, it takes me a while to force myself into the mood of sitting down to get it done so I can share positivity and humour via the wonderful world wide web.

I have considered cutting down my blogging to once a week and my video uploads to once a fortnight, but would you be happy with that cut down on uploads?

Please let me know what you think, I will try my hardest to get a video up this week but I worry that might not happen. I will try to get back into some sort of routine with life itself and become more regular with many things, but my contribution to the internet through this blog and my YouTube channel in particular are important to me. Even if they don't get much attention, I still enjoy giving it my all.

I miss you a little, I guess you could say: a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day.

It's difficult missing someone. Whether you're apart for one day or one year, by death or distance - it's difficult. You just want them back but you sort of know you can't. All you can really do is focus on the good memories that make you smile because that's what keeps the happiness alive, I think that's the most important thing to do when you're missing someone, or something.

There are two people I miss the most: My mom and my best friend Gemma. On October 20th 2010 Gemma boarded a plane to Australia with only a one way ticket. I remember my mom telling me she'd found me a pen pal to correspond with so that I could finally get my own letters in the mail like everyone else in the house but when she said it was Gemma I suddenly never wanted a pen pal ever because Gemma can't leave, no she mustn't. She returned for Christmas last year on a two month holiday, fitting in my birthday and new years as well. For the first time (in foreveeeerrrr) in five years we got to hug again. It felt so surreal seeing her in 3D, holding her and being so physically close to her again. Though the long, long separation strengthened our friendship, it felt so much better to have her close to me again.

But since she returned back "home" it seemed like a tease. The world showing us what it was like to be #Gemekah then taking it away again, reducing it back to difficult time zone differences, the pain of the many miles between us and internet restricted communications. Nevertheless I am so grateful for our little infinity (how John Green of me) I really am. I'm eager for the day the money finds itself in the hands of a flight institution, bringing us back together again in one country or another. It's comforting to know that we can jump on a plane at any given moment and spend as much time as we like under the others roof, it brings a peace of mind that it doesn't have to be like this forever. The pain is just love stretched out like an elastic band, though I'm scared it might snap I know that there's enough love there to strengthen the connection.

It's different when you miss someone who has passed away though. Much different. Because you know you can't text them or call them, knowing they'll reply when they wake up. You can't get on a plane because they're not anywhere. Only a fluffy could if that's what heaven is - if that place exists. And even then, no shuttle will take you there. There's no elastic band of love because they're not there to hold the other end. It gets all a bit one sided really.

When Gemma told me she'd land in England a couple days before my 17th birthday I felt so relaxed. My best friend, my rock, will be here for me on my mom's first anniversary. I got to hug my best friend on my 17th birthday, the day I didn't want to come around because it was also my mom's first anniversary. That was the biggest comfort. I began missing my mom when she first went into hospital overnight, a speck of my brain knowing she probably wouldn't come back home. And when I knew she was holding on for longer than those "two days" until my birthday, I got scared. Scared people would remember the 25th of November as "Lisa's Day" and not mine. It happened. But I'm so glad she was there.

And so my heart aches everyday for my mother and my sister. Taken from me in two different ways. But aside from my losses, I'm thankful to have loved and lost than never loved at all. And I still love them both with all I've got, with every moment. My two most favourite ladies.