Well hi there strangers. I do hope I still have an audience and that you're all well. Lately I've been having skin troubles in the face region - which I often do, and it often gets me even more down about my face than usual. Anyway I've been hunting for cleansers that will help heal my skin and keep it spot, eczema and redness free and the long hunt for such a kind-to-my-problem-skin cleanser made me think about the other things I've been "cleansing" in my life generally.

I want to get back to blogging again, with no strict rules - I've always written about whatever I wanted and will continue to do so, posting only when I have something with meaning and purpose, so it's worth you sitting down to read (and me sitting down to write). I also don't know when I'll be posting, if I'll write something up when I'm in the mood and save it for the good ol' Saturday, or just hit publish -  nevertheless it won't be strictly weekly, it will be as and when, but hopefully worth any waits.

I've even hidden a few posts that I just couldn't stand because of their poor quality when I rushed out a post for the sake of being weekly. As a sort of cleanse for my blog I wanted to come back knowing that those posts can no longer be seen and I can't be brought to any shame for publishing such forced nonsense. Perhaps I should go all out and start all over again with a fresh slate. Maybe a brave step for another time...

I've also done a bit of cleansing of "stuff", really just bits of clothes and toys in my brother's room to help him clear his own space up as he was really going for it and I have a corner of space for myself in his room as mine doesn't have the space - it's not that I have that much stuff honestly, my wardrobe lives in his room, which is another thing we both plan on cleansing together pretty soon too. After helping him clean up his room it's made me want to do the same with mine, except I've got it into my head that spiders live under my bed inbetween all the old toys crammed under there so I'm quite hesitant to get started to be honest.

Meanwhile, I've been trying a bit of a digital cleanse. My most recent photography project investigated hyper-connectivity and telepresence which made me look at my own use of digital things. Perhaps that's a blog post in itself I can explain deeper, but I certainly want to continue photographing the subject. Anyway I felt compelled to detach myself from my phone a bit more and I realised all I use it for is to call and text my dad and brother and scroll endlessly when I have nothing better to do, so I turned off a lot of notification sounds and banners to help me look at it less so I can "live in the moment".

It's probably all a bit of a pretentious ideal that I want to make a big project out of really. We're too involved with screens (she says, writing on a screen) and I wanted to make myself step back from mine, get a bit of perspective and detach myself from being so reliant/dependant on something that I don't actually use all that much - we all know I'm not a social person but I really rarely get any notifications it's almost sad.

Anyway, I'm cleansed (and still cleansing) and I feel like I've almost over-used this analogy for one little blog post so I'll end with some encouragement for you to do some spring cleaning of your own. It always grows into a bigger task because it leads you to wanting to clean out more things, be it your Facebook friends list or the cupboard under the stairs but it always feels so good afterwards.

[x]

Anyway I was saying I'm bored, and that feels weird. I suppose I could start some work on my website or start on some ideas for the next uni project. I'm experimenting in the darkroom for the next few weeks! I'm very excited about it because I don't know what's going to happen or where it will take me. But I do enjoy playing with the enlargers and the chemistry, and I've barely even started yet so it's bound to get more interesting. The only hard thing about doing new things with my photography is not being able to show you. I constantly wonder how much you'd like my pictures, if you'd frame them or post them online or add to my mind maps of ideas. I scrolled through your facebook yesterday and found a post of yours, it was a picture I had taken and you'd commented that, I know you'd be proud of the pictures I take just as dad is, they're a little better than that old one I saw.

I've been feeling rather low for quite a while. Naturally I haven't confided in anyone, though hardly anyone even asks so why burden anyone with my everlasting grief of you. I did a whole photography project about that. At the time I liked the therapy it gave me but now I think it's a bit tacky, perhaps you would too. I can think of many things I would change about it but maybe that's reason to try it again, make it better as well as helping me cope. I don't know how I'd word my feelings to anyone even if they asked me whats on my mind. Though it is immensely annoying when people do ask whats up and all I can think is "are you fucking joking me, have you forgotten what day it is?"

I haven't been getting up to much. My bed becomes warmer when I'm feeling so low, not helped by the fact it's probably winter and anything that isn't bed is colder anyway. I don't have too much to update you on, some would say I need not tell you anything as you're "always watching over me" - which I kind of hope you're not because I'd rather have my bathroom time in complete privacy thank you very much. It's going to be a while until the next Saturday 25th, so I thought I would dedicate one of my many notebooks to this kind of thing, but unrestricted. Just unread letters to you. I know dad has said he talks to you sometimes as he asked me once if I talk to you too, which I do, just not out loud.

I found an old video of you though, you were playing intense tig with Alex in the lounge and that did make me laugh out loud - Alex and Dad too. I also found the video of dad when he was drunk and caused a lot of trouble in the kitchen, you know the night I'm talking about. I'm sure we couldn't get through it in one go you would laugh so much at your husband.

I know you would want me to be happy and celebrate today, and all my birthdays, to go out and have a meal or drinks at the pub, or bask in gifts and well wishers - as everyone tells me "it's what your mom would want" - though they do not need to - but I simply do not have it in me. I am tired and confused. Confused about what I should be feeling on this dreaded day, and tired of making attempts at fun. This year I have ran out of fucks in which to give and the past few months I have spent just minding my own business. It's quiet and sometimes a little lonely but I know I will always have my dad and Alex, and the Bates' - which they all made sure to tell me more than once last night. I think my new years resolution will be to use this lack of cares to really work on myself and my work, to get myself ready for wherever it is that I'm heading, really grab life by the wotsits.

I'm surprised at how calm I feel after writing all that to you mama, but hey if you were still here to actually talk to I would be calm, I'd have no worries and no imbalance of emotions - perhaps someone ought to take me to the doctor as you used to..

Maybe I'll have a birthday alcoholic beverage for you mom, what would you suggest, Baileys in my hot Chocolate?

Hey-o, I'm not sure anybody has even noticed but I haven't blogged for a few weeks but I have good reason. My last post I thought was awful, and it's not the first time I've thought one of my blog posts was a complete waste of my time writing, and your time reading - hey maybe you didn't even finish reading. But I decided not to force some content out of me every Saturday as I want to stop writing rubbish posts just to keep up with the "every Saturday" schedule - a schedule I made for myself and can just as easily take away from myself, which I think I will do so that I can be happy with whatever I do post on here.

I wanted to start by filling in the blanks of my Projects 52 posts, and giving you visual summaries of my weeks the past month (June and July in this case), but those blanks are ones I cannot fill, and again I'm not forcing it just for the sake of it. Perhaps next year I will try again - possibly even just one photo for the whole month, I don't know. I wanted it to keep me taking pictures but as I learn every summer, having an academic schedule to keep me running helps massively and I barely even get out of bed let alone get out, and get creative, which is what I really want to do.

Photography takes up a lot of my identity as a whole, people know and refer to me as "the picture taker" of the group as it were. Don't get me wrong I like that but I want to take it seriously and get more out of it but to do so I need to get outside and take my camera with me - a task just a little too large for people like me who need mental preparation to get up early and make themselves presentable for such outdoor activities. But I want my blog to be a little more than just photography - those are the posts I feel are the worst, so I need to take more time out in order to conjure up something worthwhile.

I still want to be more than a photographer though, I still want to blog and I want to take that seriously too. I want to go to events and connect and really be a part of this platform rather than just ramble to seemingly nobody. I see that people look at my blog from the stats, but lack of comments puts a downer on my confidence of my own page as I don't know what you want to read about from me or even what you do read is any good. I've always wanted to be an author for as long as I could read, I wanted to have my own musings among the things I read myself and in July I got back in touch with my bookworm side (as I often do in all the free time of summer holidays) which made me want to write even more. I'm a little embarrassed to say (no idea why) that I want to write novels and I already have two ideas brewing in my head and in a notebook that I am slowly brainstorming in, but blogging is different.

I want to say that I will cut my posing to once a month, with extras if I have it, again on a Saturday but I don't know which point in the month. It may well be what I've managed to get out and photograph that month, but as I say, I want to write about more than just photography and appeal to more people as well as keeping it hashtag fresh. Do follow me on twitter (@BekLouKat) as I'll be tweeting if I have a post lined up and links to said post when I'm ready to be posting.

I think that's all I have to say, if you have any questions do comment them and I'll be sure to answer to fill in any gaps I may have missed. I'll see you when I see you.

Anyway... After going in to get my results I actually forgot to share them with people - even my dad! It's not because I'm not pleased, I'm just not really fussed and it's not much of a big deal, although my papa, grandparents and Steve and Deb from the best work experience ever were all exceptionally chuffed for me with beaming smiles.

I really can't put my finger on why I forgot to share my results when people were so very eager to hear them. It's just a thing I did. [it was at this point I received a DM on Instagram off Canon themselves about my competition entry - competition info here - holy bloody hell, lets talk about that can we?! - they wanted my permission for them to share my image on their site and social media, I of course obliged, how fucking exciting is that!! More chuffed about that than a good uni result now. Thanks to Hannah and Stef Michalak for talking about the competition which lead me to get involved in the first place! Back to the main subject...] What I wanted to talk about was self pride, and how evidently I don't much feel it with uni and my tutor even told the class that some people need to feel more confident with their work and be proud of what the present rather than put themselves down. I often do these things because I know there are SO many incredible photographers out there, with their own distinguished style and success and recognition from that, all who I can't compare to because I just dabble in everything and don't really know what I'm doing.

I figured that whenever I feel proud of myself that it's my mom's pride I'm feeling, and I like that. I love more how my dad has told me he's proud of me, without me asking to as I've had to do before... It's reassurance from my best friend that I'm doing well, even though I'm not sure if I really am or not. Him, plus Steve and Deb giving me high praise (as well as the canon thing) makes me feel like I'm doing a good job as a photographer so far, so I should be proud of myself right?

Perhaps I've detached myself from the last project as it became really quite difficult to complete and left me both physically and emotionally drained so I can't feel too proud of something that although I'm pleased with, makes me feel so crappy. Nevertheless I did feel very proud to show my books to Steve and Deb, and dad wants to show it off too.

I'm not sure I can make it to the wisdomous part of the blog post where I give you some advice... Perhaps I too shall work on letting myself feel proud of what I do and get back to you. I guess it's all part of confidence in yourself and your abilities, I don't even have the confidence to talk to people let alone show them things I make.

If you do have some advice on this for myself and other readers then do comment it below :)

Aloha folks, I hope you are well. I'm still eagerly waiting for my results on my last uni submission, perhaps when I get those I might share with you some of my images from that project and talk about it a little, but for now here is one image and a couple other pieces from what went on to make that last project happen... Here is May...


Week one and I went into the studio again for some experimentation. I am still not sure if my images are "fine art" enough but this one (and ones like this) seemed so, so I was much happier with these and only wish I had many more in this style to put in the required 15 image long book. But hey-ho, it was experimentation with self portrait - long exposure and subject matter for me and it was a very different way of shooting things for me so that's gotta count for something right?

I did use this image in my final book though, in case you were wondering.


Speaking of the books, week two was full of book making, and I got so into it I wrote a blog post on how to make a book [x]. I really want to keep making books after this module - perhaps for another hand in if it suits but just for little gifts and things would be lovely. I really enjoyed the process and found it somewhat therapeutic to sit and construct something with my hands for a few hours.


Week Three and I went to my beloved London with my uni pals as if we all didn't have a deadline in literally a week, but we had fun. we went to see Photo London which was a maze of an exhibition, after seeing most of it we headed to the Tate Modern so we could squeeze in some exploring along the way which we all really wanted to do. Would have been more fun had it not been raining but it made for a couple good images and sparked an idea in me to photograph some of the uglier parts of cities - which you can see here [x].

This image is something that amazed me on Millennium Bridge and had me looking down the whole time. "Chewing Gum Man" as he is aptly nicknamed, paints old pieces of gum on the bridge, making art out of what is usually an eyesore of litter. It was beautiful and I am still so amazed by it and would love to see it again to really take it in as I was called to catch up and was limited by time. Also the rain - which I love, but hate to actually be in.


And finally week four, the hand in! Which I stayed up until nearly 4 to finish ha! (yes I'm still tired) But I managed it, albeit I would have wanted to put more attention to detail and perhaps even another dummy book I have literally just realised I forgot to put the writing in the bigger black dummy book, oh my god but I'm very pleased with what I did submit - even more so as my dad has said more than once, all without me pestering, how he's proud of what I've done. Twas a little surreal though when both me and my tutor teared up in my assessment the day after hand in when we were talking about it - hey, the brief did say it had to be emotionally stimulating...

I was also chuffed to have two beautiful cover designs with the help of Flob and Lauryn - thanks guys, you da best, but because they look so good I actually miss my books so I'm pretty eager to get them back so I can have a flick through and show them the finished product of their help and expert crafts(wo)manship.

Also a key highlight of this month - which I feel I ought to note - has been finally getting my own laptop which I am ever grateful for, and which I blog to you from now. It's so beautiful I love it so much, but I'm kind of eager to get back to uni just so I can use it for what it was bought for rather than games and netflix... Sorry dad, but thank you SO much 💗 I would go back to said games and netflix now but as you're reading this I'm being a proper secondary photographer so I'll be doing that!

Happy June :)

Hello and a merry Saturday to you! I believe it is half term now so I do hope you're having all sorts of fun - or at least have fun lined up. I have friends on holiday, at Gay Pride Parade and Slam Dunk Festival... Meanwhile I am about to go to a camera shop with dad because that's just my level of fun.

This week has ended well, despite being brimming with stress and exhaustion at the start, but now I can happily say I have finished a year of university, although I still have to go back and get the results from my last hand in, which I feel pretty okay with so I feel like I will pass which is enough for me. Not only that but now I am the happy owner of my own laptop - I don't know if I've spoken about it on my blog but if you follow me on twitter (and you should, I do try to be banterous and hashtag relatable) you'll be all too familiar with my desire and somewhat need for one. I'm typing this blog on it now and it's lush! I am one happy bunny. I'm also a bit excited for second year if only for the fact I get to whip this lovely device out and type with everyone else.

Anyway, I wanted to celebrate my finished a year of uni achievement by giving some tips and advice on surviving uni - I will probably do this again in September for all the freshers if any of them read :)


Number one: After securing your place, sorting out all the "adult" stuff (like finance etc) and telling your family the good news - get all the equipment you will need. For me, I was given a list of needing a memory stick and hard drive as these are your best friends in photography - but in any subject they will be most helpful. An academic diary will also be your best friend, mine is detailed to what time and room I will be in each day. These are all tools for organisation - which you really need to be if you actually want to survive uni! And be sure to whack your name permanently onto these things, so if they're lost they can get back to you, and if you need to hand them in, your tutors know whos is whos.

Hey hey hey! As I've been getting into book making for my last uni project I thought I'd share with you how it's done... I was stitching a book together while I was taking pictures for this blog post, with the help of [this] video, which shows you how exactly to stitch the pages together. For this and the simpler "fold and glue" method, you need:

• A pencil
• A metal ruler
• A bone tool - something hard and rounded works too
• Needle and thread
• A craft knife
• A cutting mat
• PVA glue
• Bulldog clips
• Book mull
• Cardboard
• Sheets of paper - lots of white and two coloured
• Coloured paper, card or cloth (bigger than the paper you will use for sheets)

Start off by folding your sheets of paper (the pages) in half, then  rub the fold with the bone tool - I compromised without one of these by using the side of a pen. Then mark out where the holes will be for your thread - be sure to make it the same on each page so everything lines up nicely in the finished book. With the needle poke holes in your markings to make it easier to thread, blue tack underneath the page makes this easier.

This is a good point to watch the video [x] and thread your book together!


This is how mine looked... And yeah it was wonky as hell. The lady made it look mush easier! Reinforce the spine with book mull - again if you don't have this, a sheet of ordinary paper will be fine. The inside of this book should look like this:


The fold and glue method is much simpler and easier... After you've decided on the size of your book, leave an extra 1.5cm margin, you'll need to score this (using the back of the craft knife) to make folding easier, and again smooth this down using a bone tool (or bone tool-like object). Then you have a tab to glue to the next page.

Level up your pages and clamp them together and glue the back of the tab onto the page on top of it, then once every tab has been glued, move the clamps to the glued spine to hold it together while it dries. It is best to have a scrap piece of paper between the clamps and your book so it doesn't mark your masterpiece. Again, reinforce the spine with mull (or paper) and you should have an open page that looks like this:


Despite having a much more obvious join, this method of book making is much easier - if you want a detailed step-by-step "how to" on this, let me know and it shall be done! The coloured end paper then hides the last tab at the start of the book, to do this you glue the inside of the tab and stick the folded end page into the crease, like so:


Then stick another end page onto the back - just glue a couple centimetres onto the last page and stick it down, there's nothing on the last page to see anyway so it's fine to cover it like this a bit.

Once you have your book block (a chunk of pages either glued or stitched together), the next step is the cover. For this little book I used this cardboard, in another book I have made I used book board, which is much thicker and harder. First, measure how big your pages are (when closed) and add on half a centimetre so that your cover is bigger than your pages and - well - covers them.

Put PVA glue all over the board and stick the back cover onto your coloured paper/card/cloth (in this case I have used black card). Then place your block of pages in the middle of this, place your top cover board on top, making sure both covers are lined up together. Glue the front board and then fold the card over the front of the book. Once both boards are glued onto the coloured card, smooth it all out and get as few ripples as you can. once it's dried a bit, cut off the corners, leaving a couple millimetres from the corner of the board so it doesn't poke out of the card when finished.

Fold over these tabs onto the board and smooth it out with the bone tool - or pen - and then glue it all down. Then you're ready to stick your pages in!


This is the most difficult part. Glue your coloured (or even patterned) end pages - but not too much as it will ripple or even get so wet it will tear (and induce stress and frustration, trust me!), perhaps even try a glue stick at this stage to prevent ruining it at this point. Stick the end page completely onto the back cover of the book, in the middle of the board. Once that's on and has been smoothed down with your hand, glue the first end page and fold the front cover over to stick that down. Your end pages should look like this:


With this book I decorated it with stamps for a little experimentation of design...




I hope this has been helpful - or at least interesting! Do let me know if you give it a try, I;d love to see your results.

I'm sure I've spoken about my window before, but now I'm gonna tell you all about it. My window is my happy place, more so as I have to sit on (or in) my bed to be next to it. Sunny days always lift my spirits but in late afternoon it gets better as the sun shines right into my window, and when my window is open the wind catches my pretty net curtain and the movement of it really soothes me. After I cleaned it back a day and had my brother re-paint it while he was mid way through painting his whole room white, it's so much more pleasant and I still haven't gotten over how much lovelier it looks now. There's still bits and bobs sitting there but it looks "cleaner", and there is actually some space there to put something on every now and then - like my phone or a mug of tea.

I made a little video of it the other day because it was sunny and a little windy and just plain lovely. I had to capture it and share the peace and happiness it ensues in me. Often I will sit back (or even lie) in my bed looking out the window, come rain or shine, and just get lost in watching the weather thinking of nothing in particular. Other times I will watch it while my mind ticks over all sorts of things - like ideas for blogs or photographs, or plans for the next day or two, even to a lil bit of grief and other mental happenings. And then there are times where I rest my chin on the shelf/board/sill (whatever it's called) and look over all the details of my pretty little window - including the dirt and dust that has now found it's way there that I really ought to clean.

One of my favourite things about this window is also how I get to watch the sun set in between the houses, and soon enough I see the moon. I like the moon too. I've blogged before about the sky [x] and how much I love it. I think it's my favourite thing, I mean, I look out at it from my favourite spot, and from where ever I am and it sets a balance in me and brings me to a calm place where I close my eyes and smile a little. I would adore to have a window seat in my own home, where I have a beautiful front row seat to watch the sunset. That would be the ultimate happy little window!

Everyone should have a favourite place - a happy place. And mine is here in my bedroom, on my bed right by my happy little window. Watching the breeze blowing through the curtains and the clouds take different shapes, the sun beaming right into my room or setting in the distance as the sky blushes, and the raindrops hitting the glass before the moon comes in to view for a quick hello.

Where is your happy place? - I'd love to hear where you like to lose yourself in quietness, it's a nice thing to do. Maybe watch my video [x] of my window to help you think :)

Firstly (ha) I got a first in my third university module, which I don't want to brag about or show off but I'm insanely proud of the achievement - I still need to get my hands on my prints and memory stick from this project so I can be reunited with my work, but like most things I keep forgetting. My memory is tragic.


As I hinted at the start, I don't remember anything happening this week, other than some quality time with my bro... And I sort of cheated by using this image I took much more recently, but I remember spending time with him in this second week of April, particularly going for a walk and sticking a sticky plant onto his back and snapchatting his oblivious-ness this green hitchhiker.


In the third week it was camera club meet again and the plan was to go to West Bromwich and photograph their large St George's Day parade. It didn't go to plan but I still loved the images I got from it... You can see them all [here].


Finally, week four and I began shooting for my current project, where I am experimenting with photography in both techniques and subject matters and self portraits (which is much easier said than done, let me tell you) to convey grief. I am doing this because it's almost and "issue" how little is spoken about grief, but in showing how I deal with it and who I am grieving, I'm trying to bring it to the surface and make people think about love and loss. In this self portrait I'm holding up a dead bunch of my mom's favourite flowers, alstroemerias.

I'll possibly share more of this project once it's complete - I've shot loads but haven't had time to edit a single thing! In the meantime, take care, and a merry week to you!

Again I feel lost for words this week, I say time and time again how I feel better when I have pictures to present to the world (and here is a rough edit from a shoot I literally just did for my next uni project) because I have something to say when I have images to explain and they have stories attached to them.

And then I thought how I also feel pretty lost for words generally recently... I realise I feel a bit numb to the world and at a loss for cares. I'm enjoying caring less, it's something I've always wanted to do since I was young. Which sounds totally bizarre for a kid to want - to want to care less. I've always been a caring person and I still care but about a lot less than I used to, if I shouldn't be caring about things I have no control over, then I stop caring about it and let it happen.

I've locked myself away in my own little universe and keep very few close by - even then I'm still most open with my blog, with myself just typing alone. And I  acknowledge that's probably not best to shut some people off or think about people without following through and dropping them a message and most of all ignoring the mess that is politics. But I'm blissfully ignorant and I'm okay with that.

Feeling "numb" is something I - and perhaps many others - associate with feeling sad or depression, but I'm not necessarily sad, just a bit much of nothing in particular. This might well be something I look into for my current photographic project, which I think I've mentioned is a book, wherein I'm using experimental photography to represent grief... How it makes me feel, how I live with it and bringing awareness to it - much like the Prince's have done recently by talking about Heads Together and their internal struggles after their dear old mom passed away. I'm not royalty but I can hashtag relate.

It's okay to feel numb sometimes I think, more so when you talk to people about it or have some from of release like I do by blogging. But when emotions come around, good or bad, let them in and feel them from head to toe and express them, through writing, art or speech. Take care :)

Good afternoon you lovely people, I hope your March was enjoyable. Mine has been mostly enjoyable, and I will show you why...


Week one and I went to the bi-monthly camera club meet up after hanging around town after uni and having a pizza for dinner with Evie C which was fun. The meet involved a tour of The Coffin Works (where the Tip Top Team reside now) by Cornelius - go over and grab a tour from him here, you will honestly love it! It was quite an interactive tour with a show of how these RIP plates above were made back a day and a look around all the nooks and crannies of the factory that have been kept. Let me know if you'd like to see my images from this day, but certainly go and visit for yourself because the people are so nice and it was very enjoyable.



Week three and I managed to pull off my own studio shoot with a couple friends - who said how they loved every minute - I was stressed and frantically trying to get plenty of looks in, changing the lighting arrangement and all in only two hours. To say it was intense wouldn't be a lie, but I sure did get LOTS of great shots that I'm very pleased with. If you want to see them head over to my instagram ;) This was the last look and it was SO GOOD but one of the staff members came in and told me to wrap up so we didn't get many shots but it was still a very successful solo shoot.

The next day I had my first exhibition with a few classmates which was also a great success! There was an amazing turn out that filled the room, I didn't take my camera as I already had a portfolio and frame to carry but I wish I had so I could capture the exhibition. I do expect it won't be the last though, so I'll be sure to get snaps next time!


Week four and it was work work work to get everything finished in time for my deadline. Including having to take time off to go to the Photography show and spend some time with my Dad for his birthday. but nevertheless I managed it and am anxiously waiting for the results! And missing my dear memory stick, I actually feel a bit lost without it, especially as we have to begin working on the next project.

[x]

Not much has happened within a month, bit odd it's been two in a row with a Saturday the 25th... Well, I've completed another module of uni and I think I feel okay about it - I haven't got my grade back yet but I feel I'm getting better nonetheless, despite the long list of improvements I know I still have to make. Hopefully my lecturers won't dwell on them in feedback and I can just continue to remember the mistakes I now need to learn from. I guess it's been quite a photography orientated month - well life is getting more and more photography based full stop but I'm okay with that.

I've just done some spring cleaning and reclaimed a cupboard which I have half dedicated to all my photography related stuff so now they have a special safe place that isn't just on the front room floor (which I also tidied up a bit too) although now I have even more bags of old crap I don't want that is filling up said front room. Me and Alex are constantly on dad's back about his "flat surface syndrome" as you called it, not letting us actually get rid of these bags of things neither of us want. It almost feels wrong to clear out the house and tidy it as it will probably look so different you won't recognise it if you came through the door. But if it was left a mess you'd certainly fling the bags out the door with such force they'd fly to the tip.

I had a great but intense studio shoot on my own this month too, with Amy and Jess to help and they loved it so I think I'll recruit them again. I got a lot of different images but I'm absolutely going to book the studio with more time in advance so I don't have to rush it so much! I also had my first photography exhibition with a few classmates - not with my new friends which was even more nerve wracking! But they are nice people so it was fine and I felt very proud of the event as there was a great turnout and Evie C, Gilligan and Ryan came too which was unexpected but lovely!

Me and dad went to the Photography Show again - I think it will be our own NEC outing - I still remember always going to the festive gift fair with you, although I loved it I haven't been since, it just won't be the same. Plus we have so many ornaments it still escapes me how you managed to put them all up every year! The photo show was good though - although I did get a bit overwhelmed by the crowds a couple times. We got a few bits and bobs which I'm very excited about - dad even got himself his own camera, a second hand DSLR which is the same model as mine. Oh the trend setter that I am!

I photographed Mr and Mrs Bates' surprise wedding anniversary party which was hosted by Amy, who did an amazing job and even got dad to be Elvis! I can just hear your laugh now... It's really difficult doing parties because the lighting is so bad but it makes me enjoy the party more when I can wander around and photograph, particularly when I don't really have someone to cause trouble with or the social confidence to find someone new to talk to. They said I'm definitely doing the right thing because they didn't even notice me taking photos - which is good I guess, not getting in the way. And Clare was very pleased with her photos I took at hers and Leo's birthdays which I put onto disk for them.

Speaking of Mrs Bates and Clare I have written them both, and Jacqui, a godmothers day card each for tomorrow. I don't see them all much but when I do it's always lovely - you made a good choice in godparents for me and Alex. I always hate the emails from shops I'm a loyal customer to about mothers day offers and I've never deleted anything quicker - as well as that punch in the face when you walk past a card shop, they're so extra! But for some reason this year I decided to appreciate what I do have and got a beautiful card for the three of them and wished them a happy Sunday. I know you wouldn't mind me spreading some "motherly" love as I still remember you telling me how I would "go from having one mother to lots of mothers" as they would join forces to support me - all of us - through the illness and you are always right, I only wish I had my most important mommy too...