As an introvert it can be a little lonely and isolating when you're sat within a group of people. Wanting a bit of alone time or wishing nobody directly asked you a question you hadn't really considered an answer to. Or when you're in just the right mood and with the right people that you feel comfortable with it can still be very draining to have to socialise for a whole day. Even just 6 or so hours at school I have to take about an hour when I get home to just sit to myself before I move on to doing something with myself like washing up or pulling my homework out of my bag.

I've recently had a busy weekend full of socialising. I had a sleepover at one friends house and went from there to another friends house to sleepover there. I had 5 minutes to go home and drop off my bags before going to see my cousins at my grandparents house before they left for their home again. Another 5 minutes to empty my bag and fill it with my purse and other little essentials to go and see a movie (paper towns, it was amazing).

After that weekend I was in some serious need of home and alone time to recharge and recover from the non stop socialising. Don't get me wrong, I love my little cousins and my friends are bundles of fun but as an introvert, that was an absolutely overwhelming jam packed weekend.

Two of my best friends - who have been best friends with one another for 13 years? - have a few opposites amongst their similarities. One is tall, the other is short. One is blonde, the other is brunette. One is introverted, the other is extroverted. This close contrast I see nearly every day in texts or at school while we're not on a break. It's interesting to see two points of view, for example, we had plans to go out one day to the park during half term and while one friend was excited to meet up and go out, the other said she was happy to have a week away from school to do nothing, sit in and watch films and what have you. I laughed because we had plans that very day and the day after but it was interesting to see how different people felt about having plans.

Nevertheless, I feel I have now recovered from my oh so social weekend, feeling more chipper and more likely to accept another invitation out hahaa!

I'd like you to make note of todays picture and look after your introverted and extroverted friends accordingly, we are all different after all and humans need a little bit of lovin'. If you can't quite decide whether you are more introverted or extroverted I've taken the liberty of linking a quiz for you [here] and [here]. I took the tests myself and it seemed pretty accurate.

Let me know whether you're introverted or extroverted or if you have any I vs E stories. :)

Recently I have been missing my mom a lot. She's been visiting in my dreams, which are as strange as ever, and seeing her has been a little comfort. Knowing that I still know her face is a relief. I have the weakest memory and my biggest fear is forgetting her but I remember her hugs like I had a squish yesterday. I held her for a hug after I got home after collecting my results, which proved to be a highly emotional day. I held her and rested my cheek on the top of her urn (is it an urn, would you call it that? It's not a typical metal fancy thing it's quite plain and simple but anyways) and I let out a little cry. Then I just sat there with her on my lap as I scrolled through tumblr and twitter and the like.

I pulled up a selection of picture quotes for todays post and felt this on was most relevant to what I wanted to say. I don't talk about it much. I've had a couple counsellors for different things, I can get onto that in another blog post another time if you would like to hear it - let me know. I didn't enjoy any experience and found it didn't help me much at all but made me cry and feel ashamed of my crying voice and I wasn't really honest, I just agreed to what they thought most people would feel in my situation. So when I was offered counselling after she had passed away (I still use euphemisms for it, it's a hard thought) I politely declined.

I did plan to write my feelings in a journal/notebook as mom did after she was diagnosed but that only had about 2 short entries. And I sometimes mention it to Gemma or have heart to hearts with Eve, Eve and Annie or one of the Bates ladies. And we're already on mother post number 4. Even so, I've stuck to bottling it up as I do with everything. Good or bad, I manage. Everyone always says how strong I am. Emotionally of course, I have the weakest biceps.

Anyway back to the main point. I miss her. I miss her a lot. I miss her every day. Holy Jesus, here come the emotions. I sometimes wish it was me but then I remember that we'd still be separated. Then I wish it was someone else and feel bad for wishing this pain on another family. I try to imagine her input to my life as it is now, what facial expression she'd pull, how explosive her laugh would be, her comment on how I looked or what I achieved or how bad of a day I was having. Some moments are harder to feel her presence than others and that hurts.

I have decided to let myself be miserable on my next birthday. Because I'll be an adult and can do what I want. I predict it will be a hard day for me, like my 46th birthday when I'll become older than my mom. And if I'm not swallowed by misery then fine, I'll let my friends and family smother me in positivity but I have to feel sadness to feel human, everyone does. So I'll give myself a day off from the funny, loud laughing Beky we all know. And there will either be a highly emotional and sensitive blog post or none at all come mid November.

The most exciting thing I can think of about moving out and getting your own place is imagining decorating the space as your own. I crave to have my own study room/office where I can sit down and be productive. A room for writing, drawing and editing.  I couldn't find a picture I really liked to use for todays blog post so I edited this one myself from my pinterest board "interior".

I imagine my office as having a nice wooden desk facing out the window for all my daydreaming needs, with an entire wall as a book case (although looking at this picture how cool would it be to have shelves wrap around the whole room! Scratch that, I'm short so that wouldn't work). Maybe a hard wood floor so I have maximum potential for speed on my spinning desk chair. And my guitar hung up on a wall somewhere with a couple motivating life quotes.

My dad made me a desk out of my old bed in my room, although because of lack of space in there I never really used it for its true purpose. So I migrated to the dining table until it got clogged up with a mass pile of stuff. When my brother temporarily moved down to Portsmouth for his apprenticeship I took over his giant desk in his room. Which served me very well until he came back and reclaimed his room. And so I'm back to the dining table, which has formed a pile of my working stuff and a small assortment of dads (lets face it) crap around the edge, with just the right amount of clear space for me to do my homework and sit and have some laptop time when I can.

I'm not most fond of change and the prospect of having to fend for myself and my own shelter is terrifying but I'm sort of comforted by the fact that I will have it looking just the way I want it to. I absolutely crave to be able to design and decorate my own study room. I'd be too overwhelmed with excitement with having my own place to decorate just for myself to be nervous about the spending costs on making it look just right. I'd probably most definitely blow my budget too fast!

So tell me, what room are you (or were you) most excited to decorate when you get your hands on your own house or flat?

I have always wanted to venture out into the world and see all the different ways the world works. Now I've gotten into photography and have my own camera I want to take it with me and take pictures of anything and everything. However I've become something of a home bird since my mom passed away. I've always wanted to stay close to home but now, I couldn't bear moving away too far from dad, especially when me and my brother both move out he will be on his own and I want to be there for him.

I try and let myself be more spontaneous and adventurous when outings come to light to get more used to stepping out of my comfort zone and experiencing different kinds of fun. I'm yet to get a full taste of true adventure that leaves me dying to quench the thirst of travelling all over. Just scarpering off to another city or even country, camera in hand, ready to see the beauty and fun of new places.

Perhaps a gap year to each continent isn't quite an option, I'm such a realist when it comes to finances and know that the complications of funding will prevent opportunities sometimes. But I think I'll just slowly work my way around. Planning holidays with friends who have much more wanderlust than I do seems like a more feasible option. I could take maybe one day out just to meander around and take photos, leaving the rest for the fun and games and sightseeing.

Me and my best friend Gemma often speak of travelling the world together, seeing a handful of places in each continent together. It does make me sad when she dreams big and wants to live in beautiful places with her other best friends but I trust that despite wherever she chooses her home to sit, we will someday meet at another airport and have our adventures throughout our life. Gives us something to look forward to each year aye?

Nevertheless, whatever I might see, I hope I'll be able to take some photos to go along with the adventures to help preserve the memories.

Tell me, where in the world would be top of your list of places to visit? I think Hawaii for me :)

I am possibly the most deceiving person in terms of organisation. I love to organise things but my room is a mess, an organised mess. Or things look organised but I don't know where anything is. And, with clear evidence, I have little organisation in terms of my blog and YouTube channel and my routine for uploading has gone so far out the window.

So I figured I'd take it more easy on myself and spread it out more.  How do you feel to a new blog post every Saturday and a new video every other Wednesday?

Oh but what is this? Neither a Saturday or Wednesday and you're posting I'm already confused! This is just a heads up to expect less from me but hopefully that means I get to put more heart into what I am sharing on the internet when I have more time to think of some content and perfect the editing/writing of it.

So yes, that is the new routine I'm going to run with. Well, not run, more of a leisurely stroll I really seriously need to build up my stamina god damn I am so unfit it's absolutely ridiculous . Do comment and let me know if you can think of something better or you agree with this and you hope just as much as I do that I will stick to this routine better than the last one.

I haven't uploaded anything these past two weeks whilst I've been on work experience in town. I haven't had much free time to sit down and edit a video or think about something to write about, I've only just caught up on two weeks worth of my YouTube subscriptions, which will grow again by the time I'm home. But it has been very enjoyable getting hands on in the business, gathering and sharing information and taking my own photos that clients want to keep.

The people who work in the building are the friendliest and though I haven't strayed too far from my quiet self it has been nice to work with some genuinely lovely people and watching them have jokes with each other as friends and family members share the working space. I do hope to keep in touch and work with them in similar ways I have done now or even hiring out their studio in the future for something exciting.

Nevertheless, though these past two weeks have been very enriching for me I am so aware of how much I've been slacking on writing blog posts and editing a video. Even though I enjoy doing it, it takes me a while to force myself into the mood of sitting down to get it done so I can share positivity and humour via the wonderful world wide web.

I have considered cutting down my blogging to once a week and my video uploads to once a fortnight, but would you be happy with that cut down on uploads?

Please let me know what you think, I will try my hardest to get a video up this week but I worry that might not happen. I will try to get back into some sort of routine with life itself and become more regular with many things, but my contribution to the internet through this blog and my YouTube channel in particular are important to me. Even if they don't get much attention, I still enjoy giving it my all.

There was a little bit of wind getting in his little face.

He's so tiny look at him! (or her, who knows)



another bird also cropped up in a nearby bush catching some sun rays.

And here he is, we didn't follow him all the way to the nest because we couldn't spot the mother either but I'm sure he was reunited safely.

Next week I start my fortnight of work experience at a photography studio I'm so excited, I really hope it doesn't put me off with the realistic complications of running a photography based business. I'm sure I will learn a lesson or two either way and get to grips with my cameras settings. Expect more photography posts in the future because I just adore it!