I've just written in my brother's birthday card for his 19th in two weeks-ish, and as always I threw in a bit of banter in there. I called him an asshole and a dickhead but I told him I loved him and I would be there for him and all of that is true.

We bicker and he has a go at me for doing annoying things but then gets all defensive when I give him a taste of his own medicine, then at the end of the day after I've told him "stop giving me shit like it's banter with your friends because you're the last person I will take shit from so don't try it on me bitch", he will tell me he'll stop and try to be better and then sort of doesn't. But I guess that's okay because my message will ever change but I will always try to get along with him, whatever mood he is in. Most times that gets rejected and I just walk away because he always fuckin hits my way harder than I hit him it's ridiculous really.

We have some things in common like our massive love for All Time Low, relatively un-colourful wardrobes, parents, desire to be amazing at playing guitar, sense of humour, need for straightening our fringes, sugar in our coffee, liking of custard cream biscuits and more. We've always been somewhat close, thinking about it we do actually really piss each other off quite often but we make up for it just to show each other something funny so maybe that's just the way we work.

I'm smarter than my brother in the obvious ways, I can spell better and I passed my GCSEs better than he did. It's actually quite odd how he gets confused by things I find so easy but maybe engineering is easy and natural for him and he gets annoyed at how I can't even concentrate to him explaining it to me. He's just more practical whereas I like to read and write and take photos. I hope we can both make a stable living out of what we love, I'm sure we'd slap each other if either one of us had to listen to what a shit job the other one has all the damn time.

It's a strange relationship really, thinking about it has made it a bit more odd but whatever floats your boat. I hope I can be a good auntie for his kids one day, and him a good uncle (unlike my dad and his sister but lets not get into that, #TeamStephen), and I can tell them embarrassing stories and make them laugh as much as I make Alex laugh. I think my favourite thing to do with Alex is to make him laugh, which happens a lot because I'm so damn hilarious ;)

We have some deep chats too, mostly I listen but I don't mind because I know not many people listen to him and that's why we have the chat in the first place. I'll always be there for my brotherin. I don't even know why I call him brotherin I just like the sound of it. Brotherin. Brethren. Broseph. Brother. Getting away from the point!

I don't show enough gratitude for my brother and I know that. Even in his card I planned to be all emotional and I LOVE YOU but I called him an asshole and a dickhead - sorry. But I do love my brother, I'm not sure what would happen if we fell out for life, it would be mega awkward and difficult as fuck for my dad and I don't want to put him through that after all he's done for me. I love you brother.







I've spelled brother wrong every time I've written it, what a piss take.

I remember my mom saying to me, "You're going to go from having one mom to loads of moms" and - there's no surprises here - she was right. Last year, on my first mothers day without a mother I found it very daunting and isolating but this year I'm procrastinating life itself. (it's a Sunday okay) But what my mom said to me two years ago has really stuck with me. I had a sense of many mothers before but now they are much more prominent. None of my moms, or any woman for that matter will beat my mommy (I'm sorry but she really is quite flawless js).

I'm not sure why I chose those pictures for todays blog post. They're from the last family holiday we had in 2013, a holiday which had many smiles and laughs (and accidental breakages of not-our-things). I hold the memories so close to my heart.

Today I'd like to say happy Mother's day to my Nannie, my moms mom and my Grandma, my dads mom. I'm sorry I don't really talk to you much but we both know I love you a lottle (it's like a little except a lot). And to Jacqui and Clare, my god mothers, both well chosen by the queen bee herself. She liked you both very much and I really can see why, I love you both. And to Lynda, I remember you whispering in my ear the day before you headed back to you new home in Australia, "I love you like a daughter", which meant a lot as your real daughter is like a sister to me and I couldn't say "I love you like a mother" because my oh my there was a boulder in my throat and tears in my eyes. And to Annie Bates. My brothers "gudmovver", who has adopted me as her babiest daughter. You make me laugh and by heck your pigs in blankets are GOOD!

And I thank all of my newfound mothers for helping me with the loss of my favourite mother, and I hope I comforted you in return in some way or another. I owe you all so much.

I've never wanted to buy flowers so much in my life, I never thought I'd want to buy flowers for anybody. My mom did like flowers, which I still don't understand, you have to feed them and arrange them and even then they'll shortly die but at least they bring beauty for a few days. And maybe that's all part of life for humans. You mom feeds you and makes you look pretty, sets you up for your purpose only for you to wither away at the end of it all. I guess sometimes it's not so fairytale. I love and miss you so much mom, I hope I'm doing you proud - I do try most days.