This has been something I've wanted to address for a little while, but I've been putting it off, unsure how people would react. Today, my blog is tiny, only my friends read it. Maybe you're a stranger who found this little assembly of words in which case hello, do follow. Or this is way in the past and you're revisiting my old posts after some growth of this blog which I do hope does happen. Anyway, I didn't want my friends to make a big fuss over something that probably is a big deal. Nevertheless, I really want to share it now. 

I have no proper medical diagnosis of what does on inside my head. I plan to revisit the doctor about it, tell them it's probably more serious than hormones and vitamin tablets aren't strong enough because that's how I feel. Since I was 14, with a gap inbetween then and now, I have felt... Sad. I found relief in self harm and I'm struggling to stay clean. I'm trying to focus my energy away from those thoughts. Trying not to hesitate when I pick up scissors when doing art at home. Trying to think about my friends and how they make me feel like I'm overflowing with happiness in my heart. 

It's hard to focus. And I'm terrified. I know I have reasons to be unhappy. But I also have reasons not to be. I have a home and the greatest friends and a dad who moans but looks after me all the same. I have hobbies that I spent my childhood desperately trying to find. Hobbies I want to make a living from because I'm so passionate about it. And talking about these is making me calmer now. I can focus myself on carrying on. But I can't abandon my past. My past where my rock was in the same country as me, my past where my mother was there, my past where things were shaky and shitty.

My past which leaks into my present and disturbs my sleep, makes me never want to wake up and get out of bed, makes me want to hurt myself. I have low self esteem yes, and I try to fix it by finding clothes I like, clothes I'm comfortable in. Wearing contact lenses so I'm not a "four eyes" like I once got called. Tying my hair in a simple ponytail as I have always done. Just plodding along, getting on with stuff. And at the end of the day I might cry a little. Think about my wrists a lot. Distract myself and then desperately try to let sleep take me away from the thoughts that should stay thoughts and not become a thing. 

I don't know how much of this is making sense but I'm not going to read back over it. Maybe writing this instead of the journal I failed to keep up will lift weights off my shoulders and fix me like so many people said. I'm probably making you cry and I'm sorry. I'm making me cry too. I guess we can't all be happy as larry. Who is he anyway? I wish I could be more like him. Maybe I already am, maybe we both have a contagiously loud laugh but still find something to cry about to the point we think we may not laugh ever again. 

And tomorrow I have to focus again. Focus on being happy, focus on tasks people want me to do "for my own sake" even though I'm not sure I care all that much. Focus on chores and making home a nice place for dad to come home to after another annoying day at work. Focus on just being there for everybody else, knowing they're probably here for me too but I won't let myself crumble in front of them. I can't I don't know why but I can't. Because even though life a piece of shit it's quite wonderful all at the same time. I'm just not as good coping with so much shit all the damn time. 

All the shit that sits in my head telling me to let it out with a cut and I can't. I can't let it out with words because I can't talk it's never helped before so why would it now. But I can't go back to cutting. Each one would break someone's heart and I know it. I'm just scared I'll forget it and -

And here is my crazy. We all have a bit of crazy. 

Here is the song from the picture: https://youtu.be/sfhbVUTZn7A (I highly recommend a listen to) it's something I needed to hear when I first heard it. I hear it more than once everyday now. And sometimes I still go a little crazy and I can't help it. I'm just so scared of getting bad again.

I'll try to tell somebody and get help soon so don't you worry. I hoped these types of blog posts would be helpful but I'm not sure I even said anything worthwhile. I'll still post this, I won't read it back, I won't talk about it. If you're to take anything from this blog post take the song and take some focus. Focus on the things that make you smile in life, the things that make you feel like your heart is a cup and it's brimming with happiness that makes it impossible to hide a smile or wipe it off your face. 

With time it will get better, you will naturally focus and be able to happily get on with your day. You will have bad nights but it'll fade by morning. Don't fret, don't worry, stay focused and calm and don't give the bad moments any attention so they can pass by and you can carry on. 

I love you. Don't forget that. 

Cheerio. - Beky x