Anyway... After going in to get my results I actually forgot to share them with people - even my dad! It's not because I'm not pleased, I'm just not really fussed and it's not much of a big deal, although my papa, grandparents and Steve and Deb from the best work experience ever were all exceptionally chuffed for me with beaming smiles.

I really can't put my finger on why I forgot to share my results when people were so very eager to hear them. It's just a thing I did. [it was at this point I received a DM on Instagram off Canon themselves about my competition entry - competition info here - holy bloody hell, lets talk about that can we?! - they wanted my permission for them to share my image on their site and social media, I of course obliged, how fucking exciting is that!! More chuffed about that than a good uni result now. Thanks to Hannah and Stef Michalak for talking about the competition which lead me to get involved in the first place! Back to the main subject...] What I wanted to talk about was self pride, and how evidently I don't much feel it with uni and my tutor even told the class that some people need to feel more confident with their work and be proud of what the present rather than put themselves down. I often do these things because I know there are SO many incredible photographers out there, with their own distinguished style and success and recognition from that, all who I can't compare to because I just dabble in everything and don't really know what I'm doing.

I figured that whenever I feel proud of myself that it's my mom's pride I'm feeling, and I like that. I love more how my dad has told me he's proud of me, without me asking to as I've had to do before... It's reassurance from my best friend that I'm doing well, even though I'm not sure if I really am or not. Him, plus Steve and Deb giving me high praise (as well as the canon thing) makes me feel like I'm doing a good job as a photographer so far, so I should be proud of myself right?

Perhaps I've detached myself from the last project as it became really quite difficult to complete and left me both physically and emotionally drained so I can't feel too proud of something that although I'm pleased with, makes me feel so crappy. Nevertheless I did feel very proud to show my books to Steve and Deb, and dad wants to show it off too.

I'm not sure I can make it to the wisdomous part of the blog post where I give you some advice... Perhaps I too shall work on letting myself feel proud of what I do and get back to you. I guess it's all part of confidence in yourself and your abilities, I don't even have the confidence to talk to people let alone show them things I make.

If you do have some advice on this for myself and other readers then do comment it below :)

I think everyone can agree that in order to let others find you attractive, love you, and care about you, you yourself have to do those things first. Because if you can't appreciate yourself then how can you expct anybody else to? Even if it takes a while to find somebody to be friends or lovers with, it's good for your self esteem and confidence to strut around being happy with yourself. Although society and the media tells us this as well as shaming us and belittling us for anything and everything about our general appearance, we still need to persevere and keep at it - not just for the world to look over and see our growing self love shining from our faces but mainly for ourselves and our inner happiness and comfort in our own skin. Because let's face it, unless something awful happens and it's medically advised, it's the only skin you're going to get, so love it!

I think the biggest downer on our appearance is ourselves. Particularly when something fucks up and we have to wait for time to heal it back to normal. Meanwhile we walk around trying to subtly hide this new, temporary imperfection and pray that nobody points it out. There always seems to be that one acquaintance that says "what's wrong with your face?" Or "what's that?" Although we smile and explain it's a spot, rash, eczema or make up fail etc inside we die of embarrassment thinking "oh god it's worse than I thought. They've pointed it out, everyone heard, they all know. Why would you say that can't you pretend I'm invisible for a couple days before it goes away again." And our confidence which we've been trying to build on gets knocked down and we don't know when it's all clear to start rebuilding because we feel ugly. We wait until we look somewhat attractive again until we get out of the shadows and show our confidence, just to hide this pesky flaw with bad timing! At the same time there's a flek of us thankful that they pointed it out, flagging it up and making a mental note to get to the toilets ASAP to fix it or cover it up a bit better. 

Recently I had irritation and an eczema/rash flare up on my face because of what I guess is down to a new moisturiser I bought as my old one I borrowed from my mom was emptying. The sides of my nose, my cheek and a bit of my chin went red and skin was a little dry but I've had a history of eczema so I knew I had to keep it clean, moisturised and back away from make up, which is hard as I just wanted to hide it. It's started to calm down by itself even though my dad wanted me to see a doctor - he just thought the worst and was worried but I knew I could manage without the nerves and embarrassment of going to the doc. 

None the less, I'm trying to keep myself calm and tell myesf that it will soon be okay and I do have the option of medical help if my face doesn't return to it's smooth self. Already building the blocks of confidence up but holding them back so when I feel it's safe to stop hiding myself I can feel as cheery as I did before this unattractive mishap. 

We all learn from our mistakes, now I know to research the best skincare for my sensitive skin type and buy accordingly rather than picking something that said it was good. Just know that if ever you feel ugly, it won't last. As long as you keep on growing your self esteem and confidence your happy thoughts will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look pretty. 

Have you ever had anything like this happen? How did you deal with it? Or what gentle moisturisers do you use?

Cheerio my little beauties - Beky.